I AM DONE.
There, I said it.
Years ago, I joined an online community for People Of Size. I like my women a certain way, and I myself am a bigger guy. Always have been, never found myself attractive... then I found this group.
It was fun. There were people like me who liked people like me. It was strictly online (far as I knew) so I never actually got to MEET any of the people I spoke to. Well, once or twice, but nothing but friendship came out of those. By the time I finally attended a social function, I was already in a relationship and the non-social aspect of it never came into play.
Fast forward to 2010.
Everything changed. I was widowed, I was no longer in a relationship, but I wasn't looking to be in another one. I wanted to spend time with the friends I had made over the past few years and remember the woman I had lost. I didn't notice the people looking at me.
I went to every dance and function over the next 6 months. After the third one, I started noticing. I could feel the eyes on me, crawling over me like warm spiders. I could hear the murmurs and mumbles. In my younger days, I had fantasized about being the one sought after, of being the one that they fought over and that everyone wanted. When I felt it, it made my spine prickle. It felt predatory, it felt unwanted, and it felt like I was a slab of beef about to be thrown into the wolves' den.
In short, I knew how women felt at clubs.
It was around this time that I realized something had changed. Something was different. I'm not sure if it was because I was a single guy for the first time and was seeing it in a new light, or because I was there by myself, or if something really had changed. It was different than I remembered it. It didn't seem fun, it didn't seem right...
I don't really drink anymore. In college, hells yeah and I could put it away, too, but these days, hardly. I don't pick up women on the random. Never have, mostly because I never could, but honestly my brain isn't wired that way. I have no game, honestly, and though I exude confidence in certain aspects of my life, I could never successfully seduce a woman to bed with me for the night. I'm always in relationship mode, and if I'm not, I'm in friend mode. There is no in-between, it's always one or the other.
These days, nobody seems to understand that. You see the constant question, "Can A Man And A Woman Be Just Friends?" The answer of course is FUCKING YES!!! I don't see how it cannot. I have many many female friends I do not see in a sexual light. Do I think they are attractive? Yes. I tihnk my mom and my sister are beautiful, too, but we're not gonna go there. It's technically the same thing anyhow. I will admit that i DO have female friends I once tried unsuccessfully to date, which is why they are friends, but I also have female friends of whom I have NEVER had a sexual thought. It is possible for a guy and a girl to be JUST FRIENDS.
So, because so many new people and young people and just people in geneal seem to have forogtten that it all started out as a SOCIAL site. Just because you are involved does not mean you are looking for a date or a hookup or a booty call or a relationship. It started as a place where like-minded and like-bodied people could congregate and hang out. But it seems even "hang out" has developed a different meaning. I wish I could go and have fun. I wish I could bring my girlfriend along and we could have a great time, but the truth is that it isn't what is used to be. People can't just go and have fun without someone trying to cause trouble or some kind of drama being spread. It's not like a regular club, it's more like a soap opera or reality show. It's annoying, it's aggravating, and honestly, it's just not worth the time, so I have left. Once, everyone knew who I was. Now, I don't even know who still attends. I'm fine. I don't need to tell you when I'm gone, because obviously, you haven't noticed or cared, so neither do I. It was fun while it lasted, but I have a new life now, and you are not part of it. Seeya.
Monday, December 31, 2012
The Bug-It List
Everyone has their pet peeves. Everyone has stuff that bugs them. After reading stuff online and seeing what people post on Facebook and Twitter sometimes, I decided to vent out some of my angries.
1. Bigots. Speaking mostly about racists, homophobes, and anti-Semites. Few things mystify me, but these kinds of prejudices have never made sense. I don't get it. Thinking someone is inferior to you simply because of the color of their skin or the country from which they came? It's absurd. Ludicrous. Asinine. I also don't understand being "afraid" or "intolerant" of people with a different sexual prefernce. Does it affect you? Does in intrude on your personal space? NO. So who gives a flying fuck? People will love who they love and you can't stop it, you can't prevent it, so be happy that they've found someone to whom they give their heart. It's hard enough without some ignorant bastage shouting profanity at them and calling them names. As for the last one, though it is most often related to Jewish people, Semitic is ANY Middle Eastern-based faith, so that means being against Muslims, too. Not all Muslims are terrorists, people. We NEEDNEEDNEED to remember that. Oh, and by the way idiots, you know there's a different between Middle Eastern faiths and Indian faiths, right? How the hell do you mix up Muslims, Hindus, and Sikhs? A turban does not a Muslim make. Seriously, stupidity is just...stupid.
2. Dead-beat dads. This one really boils me. My father worked his ass off to provide for my family, and I remember what things were like when he was working two jobs, nights and days, and slept all day on weekends when he could. I remember him riding his bike to the train station because he had his license suspended for speeding. I remember him not being around, but that was because he was doing his fatherly duty. One of the things he taught me when I was very young and asked why he was working so much was this: "A man will do anything he must to support his family. A man who does not support his family is not a man." I believe that, I truly do. If you're going to go out and have unprotected sex with someone, that alone shows a lack of responsibility. However, should that result in a pregnancy, take responsibility and be a fucking adult about it. Kids run away from their mistakes and fears. Adults face them and tackle them head on. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and this is a HUMAN BEING we're talking about. YOU made this. YOU created this. It takes two people to create a baby, it takes two people to raise one. BE A MAN. RAISE YOUR KIDS. Make sure they don't make the same stupid mistakes you did. THAT'S being a man. I may not have kids of my own, but I will make DAMN sure that the ones related to me are raised properly.
3. Ignorant, uninformed, judgemental blockheads. If I say something and it turns out I am misinformed or uneducated about the subject, I will admit it. If I am wrong about sometihng, I will admit it. I cannot abide by those who MUST BE RIGHT, people who THEIR WAY is the ONLY WAY. I cannot abide by people who make a judgement or a personality call about another person without knowing the person, meeting the person, or spending time with the person and simply going by what one person says about them. Like my mother used to say, "How can you know you don't like something if you've never tried it?" I've had people say things about me without ever having met me, and I didn't understand it. I've had people say things about my family, friends, or girlfriend without having spent time or met them, and it bothers me. If you've experience someone or something, you have the right to say you don't like them, but don't go sight-unseen or unheard and say you don't like someone. Never jump to conclusions, you could end up gong off a cliff.
4. Die-hard rabid supporters. This sorta goes along with the MY WAY OR DIE WAY people. I can't stand people who are contrary simply for the sake of being contrary. This is mostly in politics, but also happens with sports fans. I knew a guy in college who was such a die-hard local sports fan that he believed the only way you were allowed to be a fan of a team is if you were born and lived where the team was. For example, if you lived in, say, Connecticut, you had to HADTOHADTOHADTO be a fan of the Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins, and Celtics, and NO OTHER TEAM. It didn't matter if you were born in CT and moved to Chicago, you couldn't like the Bears according to his logic. Ever seen the picture back in the 90s of the Flyers fans beating up the Devils fan? Like that. Hooligan-style fans. Yes, I am a fan of several teams, but I'm not going to stab someone because they're wearing colors that I associate with a rival team. That's gang mentality, attacking someone because their fashion sense is different from yours. The same thing goes for politics. It's one of the reasons I don't get into politics, because it's built on a belief system. A belief system is very hard to break or bend, and people defend their beliefs with an almost religious fervor. The issue is when people go the opoosite way against a rival party simply because they're part of the rival party. I'm not a fan of hypocrisy, so attacking a member of the opposing party for something when members of yours do the same thing aggravates me. It bothers me when members of one party say they are not going to help a member of the opposing party not because they don't agree with the policy but because the idea is coming from the opposite party. Partisan politics are aggravating and annoying and accomplish nothing but build contempt for the entire system. Whichever party does it may do it with the intent of making their opponents look bad, but they only succeed in making themselves look like idiots and unfortunately, neither side has figured this out yet. That, to me, is the most annoying part. Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing multiple times while expecting different results. That's where we're at, and people go out of their minds with anger defending these people Look at this year's presidential election. It was like a reenactment of the Civbil War, but with suits and ties. It was horrible. Yes, I have beliefs and standards, but if I believe someone has a good idea that seems feasible, I will admit that. People do not like to admit they are wrong or that someone else might have a better idea, and that, the inability to compromise or admit someone may have a better idea, staggers me.
Those are my top four. There's more, but I'm not gonna nitpick, not on the last few hours of the year. These are mine. I know you have yours, and you know what? Keep em. Share em. Doesn't mean I'm gonna agree with you.
1. Bigots. Speaking mostly about racists, homophobes, and anti-Semites. Few things mystify me, but these kinds of prejudices have never made sense. I don't get it. Thinking someone is inferior to you simply because of the color of their skin or the country from which they came? It's absurd. Ludicrous. Asinine. I also don't understand being "afraid" or "intolerant" of people with a different sexual prefernce. Does it affect you? Does in intrude on your personal space? NO. So who gives a flying fuck? People will love who they love and you can't stop it, you can't prevent it, so be happy that they've found someone to whom they give their heart. It's hard enough without some ignorant bastage shouting profanity at them and calling them names. As for the last one, though it is most often related to Jewish people, Semitic is ANY Middle Eastern-based faith, so that means being against Muslims, too. Not all Muslims are terrorists, people. We NEEDNEEDNEED to remember that. Oh, and by the way idiots, you know there's a different between Middle Eastern faiths and Indian faiths, right? How the hell do you mix up Muslims, Hindus, and Sikhs? A turban does not a Muslim make. Seriously, stupidity is just...stupid.
2. Dead-beat dads. This one really boils me. My father worked his ass off to provide for my family, and I remember what things were like when he was working two jobs, nights and days, and slept all day on weekends when he could. I remember him riding his bike to the train station because he had his license suspended for speeding. I remember him not being around, but that was because he was doing his fatherly duty. One of the things he taught me when I was very young and asked why he was working so much was this: "A man will do anything he must to support his family. A man who does not support his family is not a man." I believe that, I truly do. If you're going to go out and have unprotected sex with someone, that alone shows a lack of responsibility. However, should that result in a pregnancy, take responsibility and be a fucking adult about it. Kids run away from their mistakes and fears. Adults face them and tackle them head on. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and this is a HUMAN BEING we're talking about. YOU made this. YOU created this. It takes two people to create a baby, it takes two people to raise one. BE A MAN. RAISE YOUR KIDS. Make sure they don't make the same stupid mistakes you did. THAT'S being a man. I may not have kids of my own, but I will make DAMN sure that the ones related to me are raised properly.
3. Ignorant, uninformed, judgemental blockheads. If I say something and it turns out I am misinformed or uneducated about the subject, I will admit it. If I am wrong about sometihng, I will admit it. I cannot abide by those who MUST BE RIGHT, people who THEIR WAY is the ONLY WAY. I cannot abide by people who make a judgement or a personality call about another person without knowing the person, meeting the person, or spending time with the person and simply going by what one person says about them. Like my mother used to say, "How can you know you don't like something if you've never tried it?" I've had people say things about me without ever having met me, and I didn't understand it. I've had people say things about my family, friends, or girlfriend without having spent time or met them, and it bothers me. If you've experience someone or something, you have the right to say you don't like them, but don't go sight-unseen or unheard and say you don't like someone. Never jump to conclusions, you could end up gong off a cliff.
4. Die-hard rabid supporters. This sorta goes along with the MY WAY OR DIE WAY people. I can't stand people who are contrary simply for the sake of being contrary. This is mostly in politics, but also happens with sports fans. I knew a guy in college who was such a die-hard local sports fan that he believed the only way you were allowed to be a fan of a team is if you were born and lived where the team was. For example, if you lived in, say, Connecticut, you had to HADTOHADTOHADTO be a fan of the Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins, and Celtics, and NO OTHER TEAM. It didn't matter if you were born in CT and moved to Chicago, you couldn't like the Bears according to his logic. Ever seen the picture back in the 90s of the Flyers fans beating up the Devils fan? Like that. Hooligan-style fans. Yes, I am a fan of several teams, but I'm not going to stab someone because they're wearing colors that I associate with a rival team. That's gang mentality, attacking someone because their fashion sense is different from yours. The same thing goes for politics. It's one of the reasons I don't get into politics, because it's built on a belief system. A belief system is very hard to break or bend, and people defend their beliefs with an almost religious fervor. The issue is when people go the opoosite way against a rival party simply because they're part of the rival party. I'm not a fan of hypocrisy, so attacking a member of the opposing party for something when members of yours do the same thing aggravates me. It bothers me when members of one party say they are not going to help a member of the opposing party not because they don't agree with the policy but because the idea is coming from the opposite party. Partisan politics are aggravating and annoying and accomplish nothing but build contempt for the entire system. Whichever party does it may do it with the intent of making their opponents look bad, but they only succeed in making themselves look like idiots and unfortunately, neither side has figured this out yet. That, to me, is the most annoying part. Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing multiple times while expecting different results. That's where we're at, and people go out of their minds with anger defending these people Look at this year's presidential election. It was like a reenactment of the Civbil War, but with suits and ties. It was horrible. Yes, I have beliefs and standards, but if I believe someone has a good idea that seems feasible, I will admit that. People do not like to admit they are wrong or that someone else might have a better idea, and that, the inability to compromise or admit someone may have a better idea, staggers me.
Those are my top four. There's more, but I'm not gonna nitpick, not on the last few hours of the year. These are mine. I know you have yours, and you know what? Keep em. Share em. Doesn't mean I'm gonna agree with you.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Century 21 Take 13
"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine..." -R.E.M.
Well, it was supposed to be. Makes me wonder if, 5,000 years from now when people find the films of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, they'll think we caused our own extinction. Makes wonder if they'll be right. But I'm not going to talk about the end right now. I'm going to talk about the beginning. And Continuing.
This time of the year is interesting, because it marks not only the end, but the beginning as well as... somewhere in between. A continuation of things currently happening. It's like a CD on loop that starts and ends with the same song, but the songs between change every time it plays. I think that's an apt analogy. or, better yet, the songs at the start and finish are the same, but performed in different ways by different artists. Yeah, I think that fits better. The last 6 weeks of each year are given to retrospect, introspect, reflect, compare, contrast, all those things. We reminisce, we plan, we move many directions at once. We look at what we accomplished, what goals we missed, mistakes we made, hopes and dreams both realized and dropped. We think of what we've gained and what we've lost.
I don't make resolutions. I personally think it's a way of deluding oneself. I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna spend and save wiser, I'm gonna help others, I'm gonna be less selfish. I don't think that works. As it's said, promises are made to be broken, and resolutions are simply promises we make to ourself. I like to be more pragmatic, and say things like "I'm going to try and spend more time with those who matter most to me," "I'm going to try and learn from the mistakes I made," "I'm going to try and learn more about myself and how to deal with that."
But, that's just me.
As each year goes by, I try to relearn more about myself. I try to discover who I am, who and what I've become in the past couple years. It's getting there. It's a constant work in progress. I always try and look at what I've gained and what I've learned instead of what went wrong and what I've lost. Sometimes that's harder than it sounds. On November 13, I lost a compainion and friend I'd had for a decade, a sweet little girl I watched grow up and developed her own personality before my eyes, who was taken suddenly and without explanation from one who loved her more than anything. My Lil Swee, my precious Ninja, my Baby Kitty. It's been the hardest loss since Lucia died for me, someone who had been a constant part of my life since the Bad Times. She came into my life because the girl I was living with at the time wanted a kitten, and she was so smart and energetic even as a baby. As she grew, she didn't really grow, but rather increased in intelligence and personality. She was always small, always light, and always there. The suddenly, without warning, she was gone. She was hurt or sick Monday night, and I sat with her on the couch and stroked her, kept her warm. When I woke the next morning, she was gone. I buried her in her favorite spot in the yard, between the two trees where she would lay in the grass during the summer and sleep. It's been hard, so hard. She would greet me when I came home, every day since she was a baby. When we bought the house, she would walk with me when I walked the dogs. She was around when things were bad, when things were good. And, as before, the challenge comes to carry on without.
"Just a cat." Not to me. She was the first pet I had, the first companion I had to take care of solely on my own. No matter what happened, for ten years she was always there for me. My pretty kitty. The neighbors always got a kick about how she shadowed me on my walks. The first time one of them asked where she was... it was like deja vu. I've been here before, and explaining a loss can be so hard.
I try to keep positive. I think about the fun and the love and all the good times. I think about her as a kitten and how we learned each other's habits and quirks. After Lucia died, she was affectionate and caring, giving me more love than she had in years as I felt me way through the pain and the adjustment, and I gave her the attention she asked for because she missed her mommy. And when Erika came around, she was as happy as I was and went back to her normal, fairly indifferent self. I remember her little quirks, the way she would side-step walk as if she were going to rub up against you but never really touched you. The way she would roll on the ground to show she was happy. The way she would sort of mumble and go "purrrp" and "rik" when she was content. She'd come when called (sometimes) and would always find a way to escape. That's why she was the Ninja. There will never be another kitty like my Swee. I wouldn't want one.
SHe was one of the big Personal Headlines this year. Go back to the start and there's so much more. My car being stolen in Philadelphia in March, being found a week later, and taking more than a month to repair. The impromptu day trip to Philly to retrieve the car, lunch at Tony Luke's, the drive back, all with Erika at my side. Three performances with Phoenix Theater, the DVD release of the movie in which I had my first credited role, an unexpected windfall from my mortgage company which allowed me to give Erika a birthday to remember. Then, at the end of October, losing my job and a couple weeks later, my kitty. Then December came with a new job and new struggles, but also with good and hopeful news.
I'm staying positive as this year comes to a close. I'm hoping that the next year yields sweet fruit, that things imrpove. I've always been a fan of education, and I look forward to what I need to learn this next year. A teacher once told me we never stop learning, it goes as we grow. I believe that. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. I'm not one to simply give up. I'll fight until I can't, and I won't stop until I either win or break. That's who I am. So, let's do this again. Who knows what lies around the corner. Let's check it out.
Well, it was supposed to be. Makes me wonder if, 5,000 years from now when people find the films of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, they'll think we caused our own extinction. Makes wonder if they'll be right. But I'm not going to talk about the end right now. I'm going to talk about the beginning. And Continuing.
This time of the year is interesting, because it marks not only the end, but the beginning as well as... somewhere in between. A continuation of things currently happening. It's like a CD on loop that starts and ends with the same song, but the songs between change every time it plays. I think that's an apt analogy. or, better yet, the songs at the start and finish are the same, but performed in different ways by different artists. Yeah, I think that fits better. The last 6 weeks of each year are given to retrospect, introspect, reflect, compare, contrast, all those things. We reminisce, we plan, we move many directions at once. We look at what we accomplished, what goals we missed, mistakes we made, hopes and dreams both realized and dropped. We think of what we've gained and what we've lost.
I don't make resolutions. I personally think it's a way of deluding oneself. I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna spend and save wiser, I'm gonna help others, I'm gonna be less selfish. I don't think that works. As it's said, promises are made to be broken, and resolutions are simply promises we make to ourself. I like to be more pragmatic, and say things like "I'm going to try and spend more time with those who matter most to me," "I'm going to try and learn from the mistakes I made," "I'm going to try and learn more about myself and how to deal with that."
But, that's just me.
As each year goes by, I try to relearn more about myself. I try to discover who I am, who and what I've become in the past couple years. It's getting there. It's a constant work in progress. I always try and look at what I've gained and what I've learned instead of what went wrong and what I've lost. Sometimes that's harder than it sounds. On November 13, I lost a compainion and friend I'd had for a decade, a sweet little girl I watched grow up and developed her own personality before my eyes, who was taken suddenly and without explanation from one who loved her more than anything. My Lil Swee, my precious Ninja, my Baby Kitty. It's been the hardest loss since Lucia died for me, someone who had been a constant part of my life since the Bad Times. She came into my life because the girl I was living with at the time wanted a kitten, and she was so smart and energetic even as a baby. As she grew, she didn't really grow, but rather increased in intelligence and personality. She was always small, always light, and always there. The suddenly, without warning, she was gone. She was hurt or sick Monday night, and I sat with her on the couch and stroked her, kept her warm. When I woke the next morning, she was gone. I buried her in her favorite spot in the yard, between the two trees where she would lay in the grass during the summer and sleep. It's been hard, so hard. She would greet me when I came home, every day since she was a baby. When we bought the house, she would walk with me when I walked the dogs. She was around when things were bad, when things were good. And, as before, the challenge comes to carry on without.
"Just a cat." Not to me. She was the first pet I had, the first companion I had to take care of solely on my own. No matter what happened, for ten years she was always there for me. My pretty kitty. The neighbors always got a kick about how she shadowed me on my walks. The first time one of them asked where she was... it was like deja vu. I've been here before, and explaining a loss can be so hard.
I try to keep positive. I think about the fun and the love and all the good times. I think about her as a kitten and how we learned each other's habits and quirks. After Lucia died, she was affectionate and caring, giving me more love than she had in years as I felt me way through the pain and the adjustment, and I gave her the attention she asked for because she missed her mommy. And when Erika came around, she was as happy as I was and went back to her normal, fairly indifferent self. I remember her little quirks, the way she would side-step walk as if she were going to rub up against you but never really touched you. The way she would roll on the ground to show she was happy. The way she would sort of mumble and go "purrrp" and "rik" when she was content. She'd come when called (sometimes) and would always find a way to escape. That's why she was the Ninja. There will never be another kitty like my Swee. I wouldn't want one.
SHe was one of the big Personal Headlines this year. Go back to the start and there's so much more. My car being stolen in Philadelphia in March, being found a week later, and taking more than a month to repair. The impromptu day trip to Philly to retrieve the car, lunch at Tony Luke's, the drive back, all with Erika at my side. Three performances with Phoenix Theater, the DVD release of the movie in which I had my first credited role, an unexpected windfall from my mortgage company which allowed me to give Erika a birthday to remember. Then, at the end of October, losing my job and a couple weeks later, my kitty. Then December came with a new job and new struggles, but also with good and hopeful news.
I'm staying positive as this year comes to a close. I'm hoping that the next year yields sweet fruit, that things imrpove. I've always been a fan of education, and I look forward to what I need to learn this next year. A teacher once told me we never stop learning, it goes as we grow. I believe that. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. I'm not one to simply give up. I'll fight until I can't, and I won't stop until I either win or break. That's who I am. So, let's do this again. Who knows what lies around the corner. Let's check it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)