I was never one of the popular kids growing up. I didn't play sports, I wasn't in shape, and my tastes were a bit more...ECLECTIC than was deemed "acceptable" on a social level. This was the Milford Public School System in the 1980s, the time when nerds, geeks, and dorks were pretty much frowned upon. However, there are always "doorways." Mine was named Tommie Winn.
Tom found me "interesting." His words. He found it interesting that while the in-crowd was playing ball and wrestling and whatnot during recess, I was sitting to the side scribbling things into a notebook and watching everyone else interact. My love of science fiction and movies and all things fantastical amazed him, and when he came over to my house the first time and entered my world, he was in awe.
I was in second grade. He quickly became my best friend.
Tommie and I were tight all through grade school. He was a jock, I was a geek. He got the pretty girls, I got the good grades. When I wanted to go after one of the girls, he was there giving me pointers and moral support, and when she shot me down, he consoled me and told me there would be other opportunities. When we hit 6th grade, he was the first one I invited to my Bar Mitzvah, and when the kids started having the make-out parties and overnights, he always made sure I got invited. Of course, it wasn't all wine and roses (or Coke and pizza). He was a fan of all things Boston and I was and continue to be a West Coast kinda guy. He got the word CELTICS shaved into head, I in return got LAKERS. but it was ll in fun and completely amicable.
After 8th grade, he went to a private high school, I went to a public one. We've seen each other only a handful of times since then, and eve though we've reconnected through the power of Facebook, we've never had the chance to hang out.
However, this was a natural progression. When you're younger, friends move away, people change, IT HAPPENS. However, friends also get into fights or even just little "tiffs." Most of the time, it's over something relatively petty or even just plain stupid. I didn't talk to a very good friend of mine for more than 10 years over the fact that I didn't want to try and sneak the girl he was seeing at the time, who was 19, into a club we were going to. I had been away at school and wanted to send time with my friends, and he was worried that if he came out without her, she would withhold sex from him. I got upset, and neither one of us made an effort until social networking came out, mostly because we lost track of one another. Now, we've reconnected, and while we don't see each other or hang out nearly as much as we used to, amends have been made and communication restored.
Most fights between friends ARE petty and stupid. As with most arguments, they can be avoided with simple communication and honesty. It's always horrible to see a friendship that has lasted through so many years and so many events dissolve over something ridiculous. The affects of these spats can be widespread, and the parties involved almost never consider the ripples they cause and how they take a toll on family members and mutual friends.
In high school, two close friends were dating. When they broke up, it was dirty, messy, and angry. I was tight with both of them, and didn't want to take sides. After all, their relationship had nothing to do with me, yet they were both my friends as a couple and individually. Both of them insisted I needed to "have their back", and I did. However, I refused to take sides against either one of them. I told each of them it was something they had to work out, and it was wrong for them to drag their friends into it. But, it was high school, so neither really listened. They were both angry with me and didn't speak or associate with me unless they had to, but when things finally cooled down, apologies were exchanged and life moved on.
A friendship being shattered is like a divorce: you get half, I get half, but who gets the kids? Who gets the house? When friends stop being friends, everything becomes an ordeal: I can't go to this restaurant because THEY might be there. I can't go to the mall because THEY might show up. I can't go to this concert or movie because THEY like the same stuff I do. And, many times, mutual friends are forced to take sides and deemed "not my friend" or even "traitor" if they either refuse to take sides or take the "wrong" one. It's a very difficult and very straining situation for everyone involved, especially if the cause of the argument is another person.
History is rife with stories about how a man or a woman was the cause of a fight, duel, spat, family fued, or even wars. Romeo and Juliet, Hatfields and McCoys, Helen Of Troy. This is a complicated situation on all sides, and it never ends pretty. What happens when two friends are interested in the same person? It's a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation. If you don't fight for them, you may be deemed unworthy of their company and seen as the lesser choice. if you DO fight for them, you risk not only seeming overzealous, but risk losing a friend in the process. It's a complicated, stressful situation.
Sometimes, a friendship is strong enough to transcend the troubles that come along. Sometimes they're not. Where is the line? Where is the divider between acceptable and unforgivable? It varies, doesn't it? Just as certain deeds during a marriage or intense relationship differ between couples, what one person sees as okay may be viewed as completely taboo by another, especially when the friends involved are so much allike. The most difficult question to ask as well as the one that is almost never asked is this, as with all relationships: Do we have what it takes to make it?
