More than a year now, and I'm still experiencing firsts. That's a little tough to get used to.
From June 23, 2010 until June 23, 2011 life was full of unwelcome firsts. It was Continuing On, it was Starting Over, none of which I wanted. Birthdays, holidays, milestones, anniversaries... all without that Special Someone, that one person with whom I had shared every second, every aspect, every memory for seven glorious years. It continues to be so, and once again, I'm scared of what it will be like and what my reactions and responses will be.
Her birthday last year was hard, and this year was no better. July 4th, Labor Day, our Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, February 25 (the day I proposed), Mother's Day, my birthday, and One Year. Last year on our anniversary, I went to Foxwoods for the first time in God knows how long. It was the first time I had EVER been there alone. EVER. It was unnerving and scary. In February, I attended Coronation alone for the first time. That was rough, especially seeing such a close friend, wearing her wedding gown, so distraught and upset as he entered the ballroom. I knew exactly how he felt.
I'm approaching another one in a few days. This will be the first MonsterMania Convention I will be attending without her. I know it will be rough, I know it will be different, but I also know I'm ready. I haven't been to this hotel since March 2008, and she was sick the entire time. It was our honeymoon, and my mother, a very recent victim to a brain aneurysm, commanded us to go and have fun. Lucia was sick, she was having trouble breathing, and her leg was so swollen it was splitting the skin, but she was insistent on going. We brought her pump and her nebulizer, and she was so happy to hang out with Sid Haig and Brian O'Halloran and talk to the guys from Ghost Hunters. Terry Cruickshank, the artist who made our Zombie Bride And Groom dolls was there. The next Convention we went to was held in Cromwell, just a short ride from home, but it wasn't the same as Cherry Hill. And then... the world collapsed. Everything changed.
And now I find myself about to embark on another First. Our friends know. There are some returning guests, but they probably won't remember me, not without her. And that's OK. It's part of starting over, I guess. She was such a commanding presence, not somebody you just forget. If you met her once, you remembered. Robert Englund, who hadn't seen us since 2005 and had seen countless thousands of other between us, recognized us in Cromwell in 2009. He looked at us, smiled, and said "You better have brought those wedding pictures." This from a celebrity who hadn't seen or heard from us in 4 years and had met how many other people, remembered that conversation, and I have no doubt it was because of her.
I find it ironic that the same guys from Ghost Hunters will be there this time, that Lance Henirksen will once again be there, that Tony Todd will once again be there. It's a strange kind of homecoming, and I find myself wondering, since it has been so long since I have been there, how different things will be. Will it be a different set-up? Will it be a different atmosphere? How different will it be now that she's not there, in physical form, at least? I know her spirit will be there. She never leaves me. I can feel her constantly. I know she'll be there for the ride and the convention on Friday, and I can't wait to see how she makes her presence known. She left me a single white gerber at Kelly's wedding. What'll it be this time?
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Priority... Two?
We're always being told to prioritize. This needs to be done before this, something needs to happen before something else can happen, this person is more important than this person, blah blah blah you know the drill.
There's only one problem with prioritizing, and that's that someone or something has to be #2. There always has to be a Second Priority. And nobody wants to be #2.
Everyone wants to be first in line, first on the list, first come and first serve. It's insane. At work, your boss will come to you and say "I need you to do this, this, and this." So you start at the beginning, and eventually the boss will come back and say "Why are doing this, I need you to do this first." After this happens a few times, you get frustrated and blurt out, "In which order do you want these done?" and your boss will answer brilliantly, saying something like "I want them all done at the same time."
That's a general attitude. And sadly, a lot of us think that way, and it's interesting to see what happens when people prioritize differently from one another. I'll give you an example.
When I was fresh out of college, I knocked up the girl I was seeing. Originally, we had opted to keep the kid. I started working additional jobs and trying to squirrel away some money, and we decided to have a sit-down with both our families. Her father was career military and born into money. Both sides of the family were against our decision. Her father told me I didn't know how to make his daughter my priority, even though I was working more and saving more money. he said I wasn't making her the priority because I had wanted to keep the baby, and by doing so wasn't thinking about HER.
Hm. Interesting justification.
The thing about priority is compromise. Sacrifices have to be made, and you have to accept that maybe your shit is not as important as someone else's. It's even better when you have two people telling you that THEIR shit is more important than the other guy's, because then you get to tell them to duke it out amongst themselves, and THAT makes for good TV. :)
There's only one problem with prioritizing, and that's that someone or something has to be #2. There always has to be a Second Priority. And nobody wants to be #2.
Everyone wants to be first in line, first on the list, first come and first serve. It's insane. At work, your boss will come to you and say "I need you to do this, this, and this." So you start at the beginning, and eventually the boss will come back and say "Why are doing this, I need you to do this first." After this happens a few times, you get frustrated and blurt out, "In which order do you want these done?" and your boss will answer brilliantly, saying something like "I want them all done at the same time."
That's a general attitude. And sadly, a lot of us think that way, and it's interesting to see what happens when people prioritize differently from one another. I'll give you an example.
When I was fresh out of college, I knocked up the girl I was seeing. Originally, we had opted to keep the kid. I started working additional jobs and trying to squirrel away some money, and we decided to have a sit-down with both our families. Her father was career military and born into money. Both sides of the family were against our decision. Her father told me I didn't know how to make his daughter my priority, even though I was working more and saving more money. he said I wasn't making her the priority because I had wanted to keep the baby, and by doing so wasn't thinking about HER.
Hm. Interesting justification.
The thing about priority is compromise. Sacrifices have to be made, and you have to accept that maybe your shit is not as important as someone else's. It's even better when you have two people telling you that THEIR shit is more important than the other guy's, because then you get to tell them to duke it out amongst themselves, and THAT makes for good TV. :)
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