I AM DONE.
There, I said it.
Years ago, I joined an online community for People Of Size. I like my women a certain way, and I myself am a bigger guy. Always have been, never found myself attractive... then I found this group.
It was fun. There were people like me who liked people like me. It was strictly online (far as I knew) so I never actually got to MEET any of the people I spoke to. Well, once or twice, but nothing but friendship came out of those. By the time I finally attended a social function, I was already in a relationship and the non-social aspect of it never came into play.
Fast forward to 2010.
Everything changed. I was widowed, I was no longer in a relationship, but I wasn't looking to be in another one. I wanted to spend time with the friends I had made over the past few years and remember the woman I had lost. I didn't notice the people looking at me.
I went to every dance and function over the next 6 months. After the third one, I started noticing. I could feel the eyes on me, crawling over me like warm spiders. I could hear the murmurs and mumbles. In my younger days, I had fantasized about being the one sought after, of being the one that they fought over and that everyone wanted. When I felt it, it made my spine prickle. It felt predatory, it felt unwanted, and it felt like I was a slab of beef about to be thrown into the wolves' den.
In short, I knew how women felt at clubs.
It was around this time that I realized something had changed. Something was different. I'm not sure if it was because I was a single guy for the first time and was seeing it in a new light, or because I was there by myself, or if something really had changed. It was different than I remembered it. It didn't seem fun, it didn't seem right...
I don't really drink anymore. In college, hells yeah and I could put it away, too, but these days, hardly. I don't pick up women on the random. Never have, mostly because I never could, but honestly my brain isn't wired that way. I have no game, honestly, and though I exude confidence in certain aspects of my life, I could never successfully seduce a woman to bed with me for the night. I'm always in relationship mode, and if I'm not, I'm in friend mode. There is no in-between, it's always one or the other.
These days, nobody seems to understand that. You see the constant question, "Can A Man And A Woman Be Just Friends?" The answer of course is FUCKING YES!!! I don't see how it cannot. I have many many female friends I do not see in a sexual light. Do I think they are attractive? Yes. I tihnk my mom and my sister are beautiful, too, but we're not gonna go there. It's technically the same thing anyhow. I will admit that i DO have female friends I once tried unsuccessfully to date, which is why they are friends, but I also have female friends of whom I have NEVER had a sexual thought. It is possible for a guy and a girl to be JUST FRIENDS.
So, because so many new people and young people and just people in geneal seem to have forogtten that it all started out as a SOCIAL site. Just because you are involved does not mean you are looking for a date or a hookup or a booty call or a relationship. It started as a place where like-minded and like-bodied people could congregate and hang out. But it seems even "hang out" has developed a different meaning. I wish I could go and have fun. I wish I could bring my girlfriend along and we could have a great time, but the truth is that it isn't what is used to be. People can't just go and have fun without someone trying to cause trouble or some kind of drama being spread. It's not like a regular club, it's more like a soap opera or reality show. It's annoying, it's aggravating, and honestly, it's just not worth the time, so I have left. Once, everyone knew who I was. Now, I don't even know who still attends. I'm fine. I don't need to tell you when I'm gone, because obviously, you haven't noticed or cared, so neither do I. It was fun while it lasted, but I have a new life now, and you are not part of it. Seeya.
Monday, December 31, 2012
The Bug-It List
Everyone has their pet peeves. Everyone has stuff that bugs them. After reading stuff online and seeing what people post on Facebook and Twitter sometimes, I decided to vent out some of my angries.
1. Bigots. Speaking mostly about racists, homophobes, and anti-Semites. Few things mystify me, but these kinds of prejudices have never made sense. I don't get it. Thinking someone is inferior to you simply because of the color of their skin or the country from which they came? It's absurd. Ludicrous. Asinine. I also don't understand being "afraid" or "intolerant" of people with a different sexual prefernce. Does it affect you? Does in intrude on your personal space? NO. So who gives a flying fuck? People will love who they love and you can't stop it, you can't prevent it, so be happy that they've found someone to whom they give their heart. It's hard enough without some ignorant bastage shouting profanity at them and calling them names. As for the last one, though it is most often related to Jewish people, Semitic is ANY Middle Eastern-based faith, so that means being against Muslims, too. Not all Muslims are terrorists, people. We NEEDNEEDNEED to remember that. Oh, and by the way idiots, you know there's a different between Middle Eastern faiths and Indian faiths, right? How the hell do you mix up Muslims, Hindus, and Sikhs? A turban does not a Muslim make. Seriously, stupidity is just...stupid.
2. Dead-beat dads. This one really boils me. My father worked his ass off to provide for my family, and I remember what things were like when he was working two jobs, nights and days, and slept all day on weekends when he could. I remember him riding his bike to the train station because he had his license suspended for speeding. I remember him not being around, but that was because he was doing his fatherly duty. One of the things he taught me when I was very young and asked why he was working so much was this: "A man will do anything he must to support his family. A man who does not support his family is not a man." I believe that, I truly do. If you're going to go out and have unprotected sex with someone, that alone shows a lack of responsibility. However, should that result in a pregnancy, take responsibility and be a fucking adult about it. Kids run away from their mistakes and fears. Adults face them and tackle them head on. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and this is a HUMAN BEING we're talking about. YOU made this. YOU created this. It takes two people to create a baby, it takes two people to raise one. BE A MAN. RAISE YOUR KIDS. Make sure they don't make the same stupid mistakes you did. THAT'S being a man. I may not have kids of my own, but I will make DAMN sure that the ones related to me are raised properly.
3. Ignorant, uninformed, judgemental blockheads. If I say something and it turns out I am misinformed or uneducated about the subject, I will admit it. If I am wrong about sometihng, I will admit it. I cannot abide by those who MUST BE RIGHT, people who THEIR WAY is the ONLY WAY. I cannot abide by people who make a judgement or a personality call about another person without knowing the person, meeting the person, or spending time with the person and simply going by what one person says about them. Like my mother used to say, "How can you know you don't like something if you've never tried it?" I've had people say things about me without ever having met me, and I didn't understand it. I've had people say things about my family, friends, or girlfriend without having spent time or met them, and it bothers me. If you've experience someone or something, you have the right to say you don't like them, but don't go sight-unseen or unheard and say you don't like someone. Never jump to conclusions, you could end up gong off a cliff.
4. Die-hard rabid supporters. This sorta goes along with the MY WAY OR DIE WAY people. I can't stand people who are contrary simply for the sake of being contrary. This is mostly in politics, but also happens with sports fans. I knew a guy in college who was such a die-hard local sports fan that he believed the only way you were allowed to be a fan of a team is if you were born and lived where the team was. For example, if you lived in, say, Connecticut, you had to HADTOHADTOHADTO be a fan of the Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins, and Celtics, and NO OTHER TEAM. It didn't matter if you were born in CT and moved to Chicago, you couldn't like the Bears according to his logic. Ever seen the picture back in the 90s of the Flyers fans beating up the Devils fan? Like that. Hooligan-style fans. Yes, I am a fan of several teams, but I'm not going to stab someone because they're wearing colors that I associate with a rival team. That's gang mentality, attacking someone because their fashion sense is different from yours. The same thing goes for politics. It's one of the reasons I don't get into politics, because it's built on a belief system. A belief system is very hard to break or bend, and people defend their beliefs with an almost religious fervor. The issue is when people go the opoosite way against a rival party simply because they're part of the rival party. I'm not a fan of hypocrisy, so attacking a member of the opposing party for something when members of yours do the same thing aggravates me. It bothers me when members of one party say they are not going to help a member of the opposing party not because they don't agree with the policy but because the idea is coming from the opposite party. Partisan politics are aggravating and annoying and accomplish nothing but build contempt for the entire system. Whichever party does it may do it with the intent of making their opponents look bad, but they only succeed in making themselves look like idiots and unfortunately, neither side has figured this out yet. That, to me, is the most annoying part. Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing multiple times while expecting different results. That's where we're at, and people go out of their minds with anger defending these people Look at this year's presidential election. It was like a reenactment of the Civbil War, but with suits and ties. It was horrible. Yes, I have beliefs and standards, but if I believe someone has a good idea that seems feasible, I will admit that. People do not like to admit they are wrong or that someone else might have a better idea, and that, the inability to compromise or admit someone may have a better idea, staggers me.
Those are my top four. There's more, but I'm not gonna nitpick, not on the last few hours of the year. These are mine. I know you have yours, and you know what? Keep em. Share em. Doesn't mean I'm gonna agree with you.
1. Bigots. Speaking mostly about racists, homophobes, and anti-Semites. Few things mystify me, but these kinds of prejudices have never made sense. I don't get it. Thinking someone is inferior to you simply because of the color of their skin or the country from which they came? It's absurd. Ludicrous. Asinine. I also don't understand being "afraid" or "intolerant" of people with a different sexual prefernce. Does it affect you? Does in intrude on your personal space? NO. So who gives a flying fuck? People will love who they love and you can't stop it, you can't prevent it, so be happy that they've found someone to whom they give their heart. It's hard enough without some ignorant bastage shouting profanity at them and calling them names. As for the last one, though it is most often related to Jewish people, Semitic is ANY Middle Eastern-based faith, so that means being against Muslims, too. Not all Muslims are terrorists, people. We NEEDNEEDNEED to remember that. Oh, and by the way idiots, you know there's a different between Middle Eastern faiths and Indian faiths, right? How the hell do you mix up Muslims, Hindus, and Sikhs? A turban does not a Muslim make. Seriously, stupidity is just...stupid.
2. Dead-beat dads. This one really boils me. My father worked his ass off to provide for my family, and I remember what things were like when he was working two jobs, nights and days, and slept all day on weekends when he could. I remember him riding his bike to the train station because he had his license suspended for speeding. I remember him not being around, but that was because he was doing his fatherly duty. One of the things he taught me when I was very young and asked why he was working so much was this: "A man will do anything he must to support his family. A man who does not support his family is not a man." I believe that, I truly do. If you're going to go out and have unprotected sex with someone, that alone shows a lack of responsibility. However, should that result in a pregnancy, take responsibility and be a fucking adult about it. Kids run away from their mistakes and fears. Adults face them and tackle them head on. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and this is a HUMAN BEING we're talking about. YOU made this. YOU created this. It takes two people to create a baby, it takes two people to raise one. BE A MAN. RAISE YOUR KIDS. Make sure they don't make the same stupid mistakes you did. THAT'S being a man. I may not have kids of my own, but I will make DAMN sure that the ones related to me are raised properly.
3. Ignorant, uninformed, judgemental blockheads. If I say something and it turns out I am misinformed or uneducated about the subject, I will admit it. If I am wrong about sometihng, I will admit it. I cannot abide by those who MUST BE RIGHT, people who THEIR WAY is the ONLY WAY. I cannot abide by people who make a judgement or a personality call about another person without knowing the person, meeting the person, or spending time with the person and simply going by what one person says about them. Like my mother used to say, "How can you know you don't like something if you've never tried it?" I've had people say things about me without ever having met me, and I didn't understand it. I've had people say things about my family, friends, or girlfriend without having spent time or met them, and it bothers me. If you've experience someone or something, you have the right to say you don't like them, but don't go sight-unseen or unheard and say you don't like someone. Never jump to conclusions, you could end up gong off a cliff.
4. Die-hard rabid supporters. This sorta goes along with the MY WAY OR DIE WAY people. I can't stand people who are contrary simply for the sake of being contrary. This is mostly in politics, but also happens with sports fans. I knew a guy in college who was such a die-hard local sports fan that he believed the only way you were allowed to be a fan of a team is if you were born and lived where the team was. For example, if you lived in, say, Connecticut, you had to HADTOHADTOHADTO be a fan of the Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins, and Celtics, and NO OTHER TEAM. It didn't matter if you were born in CT and moved to Chicago, you couldn't like the Bears according to his logic. Ever seen the picture back in the 90s of the Flyers fans beating up the Devils fan? Like that. Hooligan-style fans. Yes, I am a fan of several teams, but I'm not going to stab someone because they're wearing colors that I associate with a rival team. That's gang mentality, attacking someone because their fashion sense is different from yours. The same thing goes for politics. It's one of the reasons I don't get into politics, because it's built on a belief system. A belief system is very hard to break or bend, and people defend their beliefs with an almost religious fervor. The issue is when people go the opoosite way against a rival party simply because they're part of the rival party. I'm not a fan of hypocrisy, so attacking a member of the opposing party for something when members of yours do the same thing aggravates me. It bothers me when members of one party say they are not going to help a member of the opposing party not because they don't agree with the policy but because the idea is coming from the opposite party. Partisan politics are aggravating and annoying and accomplish nothing but build contempt for the entire system. Whichever party does it may do it with the intent of making their opponents look bad, but they only succeed in making themselves look like idiots and unfortunately, neither side has figured this out yet. That, to me, is the most annoying part. Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing multiple times while expecting different results. That's where we're at, and people go out of their minds with anger defending these people Look at this year's presidential election. It was like a reenactment of the Civbil War, but with suits and ties. It was horrible. Yes, I have beliefs and standards, but if I believe someone has a good idea that seems feasible, I will admit that. People do not like to admit they are wrong or that someone else might have a better idea, and that, the inability to compromise or admit someone may have a better idea, staggers me.
Those are my top four. There's more, but I'm not gonna nitpick, not on the last few hours of the year. These are mine. I know you have yours, and you know what? Keep em. Share em. Doesn't mean I'm gonna agree with you.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Century 21 Take 13
"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine..." -R.E.M.
Well, it was supposed to be. Makes me wonder if, 5,000 years from now when people find the films of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, they'll think we caused our own extinction. Makes wonder if they'll be right. But I'm not going to talk about the end right now. I'm going to talk about the beginning. And Continuing.
This time of the year is interesting, because it marks not only the end, but the beginning as well as... somewhere in between. A continuation of things currently happening. It's like a CD on loop that starts and ends with the same song, but the songs between change every time it plays. I think that's an apt analogy. or, better yet, the songs at the start and finish are the same, but performed in different ways by different artists. Yeah, I think that fits better. The last 6 weeks of each year are given to retrospect, introspect, reflect, compare, contrast, all those things. We reminisce, we plan, we move many directions at once. We look at what we accomplished, what goals we missed, mistakes we made, hopes and dreams both realized and dropped. We think of what we've gained and what we've lost.
I don't make resolutions. I personally think it's a way of deluding oneself. I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna spend and save wiser, I'm gonna help others, I'm gonna be less selfish. I don't think that works. As it's said, promises are made to be broken, and resolutions are simply promises we make to ourself. I like to be more pragmatic, and say things like "I'm going to try and spend more time with those who matter most to me," "I'm going to try and learn from the mistakes I made," "I'm going to try and learn more about myself and how to deal with that."
But, that's just me.
As each year goes by, I try to relearn more about myself. I try to discover who I am, who and what I've become in the past couple years. It's getting there. It's a constant work in progress. I always try and look at what I've gained and what I've learned instead of what went wrong and what I've lost. Sometimes that's harder than it sounds. On November 13, I lost a compainion and friend I'd had for a decade, a sweet little girl I watched grow up and developed her own personality before my eyes, who was taken suddenly and without explanation from one who loved her more than anything. My Lil Swee, my precious Ninja, my Baby Kitty. It's been the hardest loss since Lucia died for me, someone who had been a constant part of my life since the Bad Times. She came into my life because the girl I was living with at the time wanted a kitten, and she was so smart and energetic even as a baby. As she grew, she didn't really grow, but rather increased in intelligence and personality. She was always small, always light, and always there. The suddenly, without warning, she was gone. She was hurt or sick Monday night, and I sat with her on the couch and stroked her, kept her warm. When I woke the next morning, she was gone. I buried her in her favorite spot in the yard, between the two trees where she would lay in the grass during the summer and sleep. It's been hard, so hard. She would greet me when I came home, every day since she was a baby. When we bought the house, she would walk with me when I walked the dogs. She was around when things were bad, when things were good. And, as before, the challenge comes to carry on without.
"Just a cat." Not to me. She was the first pet I had, the first companion I had to take care of solely on my own. No matter what happened, for ten years she was always there for me. My pretty kitty. The neighbors always got a kick about how she shadowed me on my walks. The first time one of them asked where she was... it was like deja vu. I've been here before, and explaining a loss can be so hard.
I try to keep positive. I think about the fun and the love and all the good times. I think about her as a kitten and how we learned each other's habits and quirks. After Lucia died, she was affectionate and caring, giving me more love than she had in years as I felt me way through the pain and the adjustment, and I gave her the attention she asked for because she missed her mommy. And when Erika came around, she was as happy as I was and went back to her normal, fairly indifferent self. I remember her little quirks, the way she would side-step walk as if she were going to rub up against you but never really touched you. The way she would roll on the ground to show she was happy. The way she would sort of mumble and go "purrrp" and "rik" when she was content. She'd come when called (sometimes) and would always find a way to escape. That's why she was the Ninja. There will never be another kitty like my Swee. I wouldn't want one.
SHe was one of the big Personal Headlines this year. Go back to the start and there's so much more. My car being stolen in Philadelphia in March, being found a week later, and taking more than a month to repair. The impromptu day trip to Philly to retrieve the car, lunch at Tony Luke's, the drive back, all with Erika at my side. Three performances with Phoenix Theater, the DVD release of the movie in which I had my first credited role, an unexpected windfall from my mortgage company which allowed me to give Erika a birthday to remember. Then, at the end of October, losing my job and a couple weeks later, my kitty. Then December came with a new job and new struggles, but also with good and hopeful news.
I'm staying positive as this year comes to a close. I'm hoping that the next year yields sweet fruit, that things imrpove. I've always been a fan of education, and I look forward to what I need to learn this next year. A teacher once told me we never stop learning, it goes as we grow. I believe that. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. I'm not one to simply give up. I'll fight until I can't, and I won't stop until I either win or break. That's who I am. So, let's do this again. Who knows what lies around the corner. Let's check it out.
Well, it was supposed to be. Makes me wonder if, 5,000 years from now when people find the films of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, they'll think we caused our own extinction. Makes wonder if they'll be right. But I'm not going to talk about the end right now. I'm going to talk about the beginning. And Continuing.
This time of the year is interesting, because it marks not only the end, but the beginning as well as... somewhere in between. A continuation of things currently happening. It's like a CD on loop that starts and ends with the same song, but the songs between change every time it plays. I think that's an apt analogy. or, better yet, the songs at the start and finish are the same, but performed in different ways by different artists. Yeah, I think that fits better. The last 6 weeks of each year are given to retrospect, introspect, reflect, compare, contrast, all those things. We reminisce, we plan, we move many directions at once. We look at what we accomplished, what goals we missed, mistakes we made, hopes and dreams both realized and dropped. We think of what we've gained and what we've lost.
I don't make resolutions. I personally think it's a way of deluding oneself. I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna spend and save wiser, I'm gonna help others, I'm gonna be less selfish. I don't think that works. As it's said, promises are made to be broken, and resolutions are simply promises we make to ourself. I like to be more pragmatic, and say things like "I'm going to try and spend more time with those who matter most to me," "I'm going to try and learn from the mistakes I made," "I'm going to try and learn more about myself and how to deal with that."
But, that's just me.
As each year goes by, I try to relearn more about myself. I try to discover who I am, who and what I've become in the past couple years. It's getting there. It's a constant work in progress. I always try and look at what I've gained and what I've learned instead of what went wrong and what I've lost. Sometimes that's harder than it sounds. On November 13, I lost a compainion and friend I'd had for a decade, a sweet little girl I watched grow up and developed her own personality before my eyes, who was taken suddenly and without explanation from one who loved her more than anything. My Lil Swee, my precious Ninja, my Baby Kitty. It's been the hardest loss since Lucia died for me, someone who had been a constant part of my life since the Bad Times. She came into my life because the girl I was living with at the time wanted a kitten, and she was so smart and energetic even as a baby. As she grew, she didn't really grow, but rather increased in intelligence and personality. She was always small, always light, and always there. The suddenly, without warning, she was gone. She was hurt or sick Monday night, and I sat with her on the couch and stroked her, kept her warm. When I woke the next morning, she was gone. I buried her in her favorite spot in the yard, between the two trees where she would lay in the grass during the summer and sleep. It's been hard, so hard. She would greet me when I came home, every day since she was a baby. When we bought the house, she would walk with me when I walked the dogs. She was around when things were bad, when things were good. And, as before, the challenge comes to carry on without.
"Just a cat." Not to me. She was the first pet I had, the first companion I had to take care of solely on my own. No matter what happened, for ten years she was always there for me. My pretty kitty. The neighbors always got a kick about how she shadowed me on my walks. The first time one of them asked where she was... it was like deja vu. I've been here before, and explaining a loss can be so hard.
I try to keep positive. I think about the fun and the love and all the good times. I think about her as a kitten and how we learned each other's habits and quirks. After Lucia died, she was affectionate and caring, giving me more love than she had in years as I felt me way through the pain and the adjustment, and I gave her the attention she asked for because she missed her mommy. And when Erika came around, she was as happy as I was and went back to her normal, fairly indifferent self. I remember her little quirks, the way she would side-step walk as if she were going to rub up against you but never really touched you. The way she would roll on the ground to show she was happy. The way she would sort of mumble and go "purrrp" and "rik" when she was content. She'd come when called (sometimes) and would always find a way to escape. That's why she was the Ninja. There will never be another kitty like my Swee. I wouldn't want one.
SHe was one of the big Personal Headlines this year. Go back to the start and there's so much more. My car being stolen in Philadelphia in March, being found a week later, and taking more than a month to repair. The impromptu day trip to Philly to retrieve the car, lunch at Tony Luke's, the drive back, all with Erika at my side. Three performances with Phoenix Theater, the DVD release of the movie in which I had my first credited role, an unexpected windfall from my mortgage company which allowed me to give Erika a birthday to remember. Then, at the end of October, losing my job and a couple weeks later, my kitty. Then December came with a new job and new struggles, but also with good and hopeful news.
I'm staying positive as this year comes to a close. I'm hoping that the next year yields sweet fruit, that things imrpove. I've always been a fan of education, and I look forward to what I need to learn this next year. A teacher once told me we never stop learning, it goes as we grow. I believe that. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. I'm not one to simply give up. I'll fight until I can't, and I won't stop until I either win or break. That's who I am. So, let's do this again. Who knows what lies around the corner. Let's check it out.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Of Give And Take
"Every town...has its ups and downs...sometimes ups...outnumber the downs..." - Disney's ROBIN HOOD
It seems the past couple years have really tested our resolve not only as a society, but as individuals. At least it seems that way to me.
So much has happened to test us, to stress us, and to make us wonder and doubt.Sometimes it feels like a snowball effect, just building up and building up to overwhelm us.Sometimes it does. And sometimes it melts right before it hits us. Then again, sometimes it melts AFTER it hits us.
Either way, the point is that that snowball doesn't stick around forever.
I'm an eternal optimist. I've been told it's a personality flaw. But, seeing as I'm an optimist, I don't look at it that way. See, I tend to believe The Miracle until the very last second. Time and time again, I've waited as the clock ticked down, expecting that last minute miracle.
Most times, the miracles comes AFTER the last minute. Or, it could be a continuous thing that just takes so much time to complete a cycle we don't even notice it.There has been significant loss for so many people over the past couple years, and it certainly seems as if we're in a downswing. However, the good thing about a downswing is it eventually has to come back up.
So here we find us once again. It's fitting, I think, that this holiday comes when it does. I don't know if those who started it planned it that way or if it just happened, but either way... The year is coming to an end, things are getting ready to start over, and it's a good time to look back and reflect on what has happened during the past several months. Storms, vacations, births, deaths, illnesses, recoveries, just everything that has happened to us and those around us. Thanksgiving is just a few short days away, and that's what we do: we give thanks to whomever and whatever we feel deserves it. What are we thankful for? What do we have, what have we achieved, what have we accomplished, what did we manage this year? For those of us facing strife and difficulty, it's a chance to reassess our lives and take notice of the things we kept instead of the things we lost, the things we have instead of what we do not. This is when we turn to our family, and when they're not around, our friends.
That's where I find myself this year. It's different, I'll admit that. Because of miscommunication between my family members, I found myself without a place to go for Thanksgiving for the first time since... well, EVER. I had always come home for Thanksgiving, even when I was in college. It was always amongst family, and my family even invited some of our friends to join us if need be. This year, that didn't happen. I found myself thinking and wondering about other options. That's when Erika suggested we do something at MY house. Hm. Never done that before. OK, let's plan for that. Wait, a couple people we want to bring are highly allergic to my zoo. That's when another friend offered HER place. Hey, that works! Let's get a bunch of Misfit Toys together and have our own Thanksgiving. Kinda fitting, when you think about it. That's what it's all about, opening your doors to those in need and giving. The original concept of Thanksgiving was just that, a communal meal. Everyone put in, everyone was able to partake. This year, I will sit at a table with a small circle of my closest friends and laugh and have fun with them.
I'm not going to dwell about how I lost my job. Instead, I'm going to enjoy that my blood pressure has dropped and my foot and leg pain have decreased exponentially. I'm not going to dwell on how I lost my kitty. Instead, I'm going to be happy that she chose to come to me for warmth and comfort in her final hours. I'm not going to stress about fighting for my home. I'm going to be thankful that I have one. I'm going to love and snuggle my puppies, I'm going to love and cuddle my kitties (except for Millie because I'll lose a limb, but I'll pet her and let her cuddle ME.) I'm going to enjoy the company of my friends and those around me, and I'm going to be thankful for what I have. I do this not because I have to, not because I'm supposed to, but because I AM. I'm thankful for my home when so many have lost theirs. I'm thankful for the warmth in my life when so many are out in the cold. I'm thankful for ALL my family and ALL my friends when so many are alone during this season. I am thankful for all I have, for all I have done, for all I have achieved and accomplished, and I am HOPEFUL for all that is to come and all that I plan to do.
This is when we give. This is what we give. So give it. Happy Thanksgiving.
It seems the past couple years have really tested our resolve not only as a society, but as individuals. At least it seems that way to me.
So much has happened to test us, to stress us, and to make us wonder and doubt.Sometimes it feels like a snowball effect, just building up and building up to overwhelm us.Sometimes it does. And sometimes it melts right before it hits us. Then again, sometimes it melts AFTER it hits us.
Either way, the point is that that snowball doesn't stick around forever.
I'm an eternal optimist. I've been told it's a personality flaw. But, seeing as I'm an optimist, I don't look at it that way. See, I tend to believe The Miracle until the very last second. Time and time again, I've waited as the clock ticked down, expecting that last minute miracle.
Most times, the miracles comes AFTER the last minute. Or, it could be a continuous thing that just takes so much time to complete a cycle we don't even notice it.There has been significant loss for so many people over the past couple years, and it certainly seems as if we're in a downswing. However, the good thing about a downswing is it eventually has to come back up.
So here we find us once again. It's fitting, I think, that this holiday comes when it does. I don't know if those who started it planned it that way or if it just happened, but either way... The year is coming to an end, things are getting ready to start over, and it's a good time to look back and reflect on what has happened during the past several months. Storms, vacations, births, deaths, illnesses, recoveries, just everything that has happened to us and those around us. Thanksgiving is just a few short days away, and that's what we do: we give thanks to whomever and whatever we feel deserves it. What are we thankful for? What do we have, what have we achieved, what have we accomplished, what did we manage this year? For those of us facing strife and difficulty, it's a chance to reassess our lives and take notice of the things we kept instead of the things we lost, the things we have instead of what we do not. This is when we turn to our family, and when they're not around, our friends.
That's where I find myself this year. It's different, I'll admit that. Because of miscommunication between my family members, I found myself without a place to go for Thanksgiving for the first time since... well, EVER. I had always come home for Thanksgiving, even when I was in college. It was always amongst family, and my family even invited some of our friends to join us if need be. This year, that didn't happen. I found myself thinking and wondering about other options. That's when Erika suggested we do something at MY house. Hm. Never done that before. OK, let's plan for that. Wait, a couple people we want to bring are highly allergic to my zoo. That's when another friend offered HER place. Hey, that works! Let's get a bunch of Misfit Toys together and have our own Thanksgiving. Kinda fitting, when you think about it. That's what it's all about, opening your doors to those in need and giving. The original concept of Thanksgiving was just that, a communal meal. Everyone put in, everyone was able to partake. This year, I will sit at a table with a small circle of my closest friends and laugh and have fun with them.
I'm not going to dwell about how I lost my job. Instead, I'm going to enjoy that my blood pressure has dropped and my foot and leg pain have decreased exponentially. I'm not going to dwell on how I lost my kitty. Instead, I'm going to be happy that she chose to come to me for warmth and comfort in her final hours. I'm not going to stress about fighting for my home. I'm going to be thankful that I have one. I'm going to love and snuggle my puppies, I'm going to love and cuddle my kitties (except for Millie because I'll lose a limb, but I'll pet her and let her cuddle ME.) I'm going to enjoy the company of my friends and those around me, and I'm going to be thankful for what I have. I do this not because I have to, not because I'm supposed to, but because I AM. I'm thankful for my home when so many have lost theirs. I'm thankful for the warmth in my life when so many are out in the cold. I'm thankful for ALL my family and ALL my friends when so many are alone during this season. I am thankful for all I have, for all I have done, for all I have achieved and accomplished, and I am HOPEFUL for all that is to come and all that I plan to do.
This is when we give. This is what we give. So give it. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
LET'S GET POLITICAL
OK, I know I haven't written as much as I had planned. Things never go the way way you think and/or hope they will.
That's actually kinda what i want to talk about. We just had an election, what, a week ago, and seriously, PEOPLE NEED TO CHILL. THE FUCK. OUT.
This was a hotly contested election. I know, it always is, but NO. This time was absolutely horrendous. Entire families were polarized by this election, both on a national and local level. You had people DEMANDING that Obama fall in flames and Romney take over because he would be SO MUCH BETTER at the job. We've had enough of the blue-collar black guy, put a rich white guy back in there. Sadly, in some of the Southern states (and some of the Northern red states, as well), that's almost exactly what they were hollering at rallies. It was happening here at home, too. The split between Linda McMahon and Chris Murphy was astounding, and the debates... you kept waiting for them to start throwing things at each other and calling each other "poopie head" to "doo doo brain."
In the end, it was a Blue Day. President B-Rock went back to his place on PA Ave for another four years and Murphy took 95 to the Beltway again. And people were MAD.
A lot of them still are. Everyone saying "Just you wait, You'll realize what has happened soon enough." All the RedHeads so mad and so upset, and there are some people petitioning to LEAVE THE FUCKING UNION. Over an election.
In the middle of the 19th Century, a bunch of states tried this before. Anyone remember that little spat? Lasted until the end of the 1860s, killed more men than any other war we've fought, and blew away one of the greatest leaders this country has ever seen? No? Nobody? Well seeing as how nobody seems to remember the past these days, it doesn't surprise me. And that's sad.
It may be just a statement. It may be simply symbolic. But I would like to point out a few things.
1. The same thing happened back when GW Bush was elected to a second term. About half the country said "Are you people RETARDED?" and "The world is laughing at us right now." Kinda funny these are the same things I'm hearing from Conservatives and Republicans over the past week.
2. With this new Petraeus scandal, people are up in arms. And they should be, but they're blaming Obama for it. maybe he knew, maybe he didn't, but I'd like to bring up something people may have forgotten about: remember the CIA scandals while Bush II was in office? No? Look it up. It's public info. I'd also like to say three words people may have forgotten: REAGAN, OLLIE NORTH. Yeah. Let's think about those, huh?
3. No matter who won, a huge chunk of people were gonna be pissed off. "Obama lied." "Romney lied." THEY ALL FUDGED. It's sad that they do. I don't know where it started. Did it go all the way back to that summer day in Philadelphia 236 years ago? Were Tommy, George, and Benny a bunch of bullshit artists? Possibly. Somewhere along the line, Politicians got lost and we stopped being a Government Of The People, For The People, By The People.
The only way to get past that is TO COME TOGETHER. That's harder than it sounds, seeing as how split right down the middle we are right now. We need change. We HAVE NEEDED change. A great many people don't believe Obama has lived to that promise FOR change, and here's the issue with that:
IT TAKES TIME.
We have become a society so bent on instant gratification that unless there are immediate, visible, tangible results in something, we think it's not working. We say we've been lied to. Trickle-down Economics doesn't work. Voodoo Economics doesn't work. So, what does work? I think it's been so long since we've seen something that works, we can't even identify if something IS working or not.
FDR pulled the world out of the Depression with his New Deal. It took a while, but by the mid-fifties, we were fairly economically sound. So what happened?
There's the key. We need to backtrack and find out where we went wrong and figure out how to repair it. We're not gonna do it alone or one person at a time. We need to quit fucking squabbling about who's the best leader and who lied more and TAKE ACTION. Don't like the candidates? You have the ability and the power to RUN YOURSELF. Go for it. Don't like the way it's going? Bring up your own ideas. Make the process work. There has to be a way, because it seemed to work for quite some time before we fucked it up.
We can pull through whatever issues we have. We can work through all adversity if we work as a team and do this together. One problem with that is people need to learn to be accepting of other people. You heard that, right?
ACCEPT THE OTHER OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE AROUND YOU. We need to accept that fact that we're all different. ALL OF US. Nobody is exactly alike. NOBODY. Even twins have fundamental differences that distinguish them from each other. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. It's one of those things that makes this country great, is we're supposed to be ALLOWED to be different. Religion, tattoos, sexual orientation, income levels, education levels, ideas, thoughts, jobs... accept the fact the people other than YOU live here and people other than YOU have the right to live their lives. That seems to be a major issue we've been having, is so many people are absolutely ASTOUNDED that some people are not like them. Skin color, background, who they love, what they like to do... WE'RE IN THE TWENTY-FIRST FUCKING CENTURY AND STILL ARGUE OVER WHO CAN DATE WHO. Holy fucking CHRIST IN A BUCKET. REALLY? We have phones so small that can do amazing, incredible things. We have "communication" out the wazoo, and we still treat people differently because the level of melanin in their skin is higher than others. We have massive technological advances but we can't get over that Bob loves Kevin and Christina loves Gina and they want to be with each other the same way that Scott and Amanda do. Why is that so hard to fathom? Why is that so hard to accept?
THESE are the reasons our country is divided, not just which politician lied more about whatever. WE NEED TO GET OVER OUR PETTY DIFFERENCES, and yes, they are FUCKING PETTY. It's sad that this is who we are as a species, unable to accept the differences that are inherent among us. There will be no balance and no peace as long as that occurs, but we all know how damn-near impossible it is to assuage somebody's BELIEFS.
This talk of division needs to end. This talk of secession needs to end. The only way things are going to get satisfactorily better is if we work together. Honestly, I don't think enough of us want that. There's too many of us that are Veruca Salt, wanting it THEIR WAY and RIGHT BLOODY FUCKING NOW. There's too many of us unwilling to compromise and try something new, it's their way or no way and they will do whatever they can to keep any way other than their way from succeeding or even seeing the light of day. That's where our problem is. That's what we need to change.
That's actually kinda what i want to talk about. We just had an election, what, a week ago, and seriously, PEOPLE NEED TO CHILL. THE FUCK. OUT.
This was a hotly contested election. I know, it always is, but NO. This time was absolutely horrendous. Entire families were polarized by this election, both on a national and local level. You had people DEMANDING that Obama fall in flames and Romney take over because he would be SO MUCH BETTER at the job. We've had enough of the blue-collar black guy, put a rich white guy back in there. Sadly, in some of the Southern states (and some of the Northern red states, as well), that's almost exactly what they were hollering at rallies. It was happening here at home, too. The split between Linda McMahon and Chris Murphy was astounding, and the debates... you kept waiting for them to start throwing things at each other and calling each other "poopie head" to "doo doo brain."
In the end, it was a Blue Day. President B-Rock went back to his place on PA Ave for another four years and Murphy took 95 to the Beltway again. And people were MAD.
A lot of them still are. Everyone saying "Just you wait, You'll realize what has happened soon enough." All the RedHeads so mad and so upset, and there are some people petitioning to LEAVE THE FUCKING UNION. Over an election.
In the middle of the 19th Century, a bunch of states tried this before. Anyone remember that little spat? Lasted until the end of the 1860s, killed more men than any other war we've fought, and blew away one of the greatest leaders this country has ever seen? No? Nobody? Well seeing as how nobody seems to remember the past these days, it doesn't surprise me. And that's sad.
It may be just a statement. It may be simply symbolic. But I would like to point out a few things.
1. The same thing happened back when GW Bush was elected to a second term. About half the country said "Are you people RETARDED?" and "The world is laughing at us right now." Kinda funny these are the same things I'm hearing from Conservatives and Republicans over the past week.
2. With this new Petraeus scandal, people are up in arms. And they should be, but they're blaming Obama for it. maybe he knew, maybe he didn't, but I'd like to bring up something people may have forgotten about: remember the CIA scandals while Bush II was in office? No? Look it up. It's public info. I'd also like to say three words people may have forgotten: REAGAN, OLLIE NORTH. Yeah. Let's think about those, huh?
3. No matter who won, a huge chunk of people were gonna be pissed off. "Obama lied." "Romney lied." THEY ALL FUDGED. It's sad that they do. I don't know where it started. Did it go all the way back to that summer day in Philadelphia 236 years ago? Were Tommy, George, and Benny a bunch of bullshit artists? Possibly. Somewhere along the line, Politicians got lost and we stopped being a Government Of The People, For The People, By The People.
The only way to get past that is TO COME TOGETHER. That's harder than it sounds, seeing as how split right down the middle we are right now. We need change. We HAVE NEEDED change. A great many people don't believe Obama has lived to that promise FOR change, and here's the issue with that:
IT TAKES TIME.
We have become a society so bent on instant gratification that unless there are immediate, visible, tangible results in something, we think it's not working. We say we've been lied to. Trickle-down Economics doesn't work. Voodoo Economics doesn't work. So, what does work? I think it's been so long since we've seen something that works, we can't even identify if something IS working or not.
FDR pulled the world out of the Depression with his New Deal. It took a while, but by the mid-fifties, we were fairly economically sound. So what happened?
There's the key. We need to backtrack and find out where we went wrong and figure out how to repair it. We're not gonna do it alone or one person at a time. We need to quit fucking squabbling about who's the best leader and who lied more and TAKE ACTION. Don't like the candidates? You have the ability and the power to RUN YOURSELF. Go for it. Don't like the way it's going? Bring up your own ideas. Make the process work. There has to be a way, because it seemed to work for quite some time before we fucked it up.
We can pull through whatever issues we have. We can work through all adversity if we work as a team and do this together. One problem with that is people need to learn to be accepting of other people. You heard that, right?
ACCEPT THE OTHER OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE AROUND YOU. We need to accept that fact that we're all different. ALL OF US. Nobody is exactly alike. NOBODY. Even twins have fundamental differences that distinguish them from each other. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. It's one of those things that makes this country great, is we're supposed to be ALLOWED to be different. Religion, tattoos, sexual orientation, income levels, education levels, ideas, thoughts, jobs... accept the fact the people other than YOU live here and people other than YOU have the right to live their lives. That seems to be a major issue we've been having, is so many people are absolutely ASTOUNDED that some people are not like them. Skin color, background, who they love, what they like to do... WE'RE IN THE TWENTY-FIRST FUCKING CENTURY AND STILL ARGUE OVER WHO CAN DATE WHO. Holy fucking CHRIST IN A BUCKET. REALLY? We have phones so small that can do amazing, incredible things. We have "communication" out the wazoo, and we still treat people differently because the level of melanin in their skin is higher than others. We have massive technological advances but we can't get over that Bob loves Kevin and Christina loves Gina and they want to be with each other the same way that Scott and Amanda do. Why is that so hard to fathom? Why is that so hard to accept?
THESE are the reasons our country is divided, not just which politician lied more about whatever. WE NEED TO GET OVER OUR PETTY DIFFERENCES, and yes, they are FUCKING PETTY. It's sad that this is who we are as a species, unable to accept the differences that are inherent among us. There will be no balance and no peace as long as that occurs, but we all know how damn-near impossible it is to assuage somebody's BELIEFS.
This talk of division needs to end. This talk of secession needs to end. The only way things are going to get satisfactorily better is if we work together. Honestly, I don't think enough of us want that. There's too many of us that are Veruca Salt, wanting it THEIR WAY and RIGHT BLOODY FUCKING NOW. There's too many of us unwilling to compromise and try something new, it's their way or no way and they will do whatever they can to keep any way other than their way from succeeding or even seeing the light of day. That's where our problem is. That's what we need to change.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
BETWEEN HERE AND THERE
A lot has happened. A lot. You think time moves so slowly and gradually, but when you look at the scale of things and the line from Point A to Point B... it's like looking at a puddle and then looking at the ocean.
First was the job. I try hard at everything I do, I give my all, I dedicate myself to a cause and to doing it right. Never quit, keep trying and working until you get is flawless and correct. Didn't work. No matter what i tried, no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough, it wasn't right, and that was it. It just makes me wonder two things: 1. If ANYONE would be able to do it right according to the standards set forth, and 2. If he himself could live up to his own standards in similar conditions. Yes, I'm upset, but it just makes you think. When I was a boss, running things and setting things as I saw fit and I felt most efficient, I told everyone who worked with me and for me that I would never ask someone to do something I myself would not do. It's a different situation when someone who has been entrenched at a job for almost four decades and who has almost no communication skills expects you to do something without a given reason and without explanation. I was told to emulate and imitate him, but without know the WHY behind the WHAT, it's difficult to do.So, here I find myself for the second time in two years, once again on the hunt in a forest where game is scarce.
Next came the storm. Years ago, the Gulf region was devastated by Katrina. To this day, there is still strewn wreckage, missing people, and broken dreams still being repaired. Our home felt this impact this past week. The greatest city in the world was battered and beaten, a waterlogged wreck. The news pictures looked like something out of a Michael Bay movie, and for many of us it was hard to believe it was real. Further south, New Jersey was slammed like a rape victim and left in ruin. Like Katrina in the Gulf, Sandy will leave a permanent scar on New England and the mid-Atlantic states. People returning home to find it is gone. Landmarks and memories swept away or broken to splinters. Yes, we can rebuild, but some things can never be replaced, or even substituted.
Driving from East Haven to Milford you can see a handful of the effects. Piles of sand pushed against beach guardrails as a precaution did little, as the beach extends for a quarter mile uphill into the residential area. Telephone poles broken in half resting on their dead wires, trees torn by the very roots like giant weeds. On the West Haven/Milford line, you could see the waterlines on the front of homes and the deep gouges that were once driveways. Trees resting against roofs, home accessories that hadn't been tied down or brought in strewn around like children's toys. Down into Woodmont, were seawater still sat across the road several feet deep. Fences twisted and flattened, roofs lifted, sheds battered. One thing to remember: we're all "someone else" to someone else.
I lost a few things these past couple weeks, but not as much as others around the region did. Some neighbors are still without power, without water, without fuel. Sometimes, it's easy to forget or take for granted what we have. I've said it before, but it's sad that sometimes it takes something horrible to make us realize what we DO have and how fortunate we truly are. Until you experience disaster and loss yourself, you never truly understand. It's the nature of things. I wish it weren't so, but it is. Thanksgiving is coming, you know. This year, i think it bears some real consideration and real thought as to what it means.
First was the job. I try hard at everything I do, I give my all, I dedicate myself to a cause and to doing it right. Never quit, keep trying and working until you get is flawless and correct. Didn't work. No matter what i tried, no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough, it wasn't right, and that was it. It just makes me wonder two things: 1. If ANYONE would be able to do it right according to the standards set forth, and 2. If he himself could live up to his own standards in similar conditions. Yes, I'm upset, but it just makes you think. When I was a boss, running things and setting things as I saw fit and I felt most efficient, I told everyone who worked with me and for me that I would never ask someone to do something I myself would not do. It's a different situation when someone who has been entrenched at a job for almost four decades and who has almost no communication skills expects you to do something without a given reason and without explanation. I was told to emulate and imitate him, but without know the WHY behind the WHAT, it's difficult to do.So, here I find myself for the second time in two years, once again on the hunt in a forest where game is scarce.
Next came the storm. Years ago, the Gulf region was devastated by Katrina. To this day, there is still strewn wreckage, missing people, and broken dreams still being repaired. Our home felt this impact this past week. The greatest city in the world was battered and beaten, a waterlogged wreck. The news pictures looked like something out of a Michael Bay movie, and for many of us it was hard to believe it was real. Further south, New Jersey was slammed like a rape victim and left in ruin. Like Katrina in the Gulf, Sandy will leave a permanent scar on New England and the mid-Atlantic states. People returning home to find it is gone. Landmarks and memories swept away or broken to splinters. Yes, we can rebuild, but some things can never be replaced, or even substituted.
Driving from East Haven to Milford you can see a handful of the effects. Piles of sand pushed against beach guardrails as a precaution did little, as the beach extends for a quarter mile uphill into the residential area. Telephone poles broken in half resting on their dead wires, trees torn by the very roots like giant weeds. On the West Haven/Milford line, you could see the waterlines on the front of homes and the deep gouges that were once driveways. Trees resting against roofs, home accessories that hadn't been tied down or brought in strewn around like children's toys. Down into Woodmont, were seawater still sat across the road several feet deep. Fences twisted and flattened, roofs lifted, sheds battered. One thing to remember: we're all "someone else" to someone else.
I lost a few things these past couple weeks, but not as much as others around the region did. Some neighbors are still without power, without water, without fuel. Sometimes, it's easy to forget or take for granted what we have. I've said it before, but it's sad that sometimes it takes something horrible to make us realize what we DO have and how fortunate we truly are. Until you experience disaster and loss yourself, you never truly understand. It's the nature of things. I wish it weren't so, but it is. Thanksgiving is coming, you know. This year, i think it bears some real consideration and real thought as to what it means.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
A BIT OF THE RANDOM
Ever look at the stuff scattered on the side of the highway? Some of the things you see, it just makes you wonder:
* baseball caps. You don't think they noticed? Especially some of the high-end ones, the $35 ones. They just say "Damn!" and let it go? I'd pull over to the shoulder and run back to get it, personally.
* The Single Shoe. THAT you'd think they'd notice. Really. And it's on the DRIVER'S side. What, is dude driving down the highway with his foot out the window? How the hell does THAT one happen?
*Furniture. FURNITURE. Do you get to your destination and realize "Hey, where'd the couch go?" or "I think we're missing an armoir." I dunno. I guess that shows you how unconcerned with our fellow man we are, when people behind you don't pull up next to you and say "DUDE, YOUR LIVING ROOM JUST FELL OFF YOUR TRUCK!"
The other random stuff that kills me is the congolmeration or crap people get at a late night WalMart. I'm guilty, I'll admit. It's when you're half conscious and sleep deprived (and maybe hungry or stoned or both) that weird crap will occur to you to buy. I remember once on a 2am trip to buy something specific for Lucia I wound up leaving with push pins, twine, kiwi fruit, steak knives, a DVD, and a dog toy. The best is how magnanimous the clerks try and look. Try pulling that off at a Home Depot after you've grabbed a roll of duct tape, vinyl rope, a tarp, a shovel, and a bag of lime.
* baseball caps. You don't think they noticed? Especially some of the high-end ones, the $35 ones. They just say "Damn!" and let it go? I'd pull over to the shoulder and run back to get it, personally.
* The Single Shoe. THAT you'd think they'd notice. Really. And it's on the DRIVER'S side. What, is dude driving down the highway with his foot out the window? How the hell does THAT one happen?
*Furniture. FURNITURE. Do you get to your destination and realize "Hey, where'd the couch go?" or "I think we're missing an armoir." I dunno. I guess that shows you how unconcerned with our fellow man we are, when people behind you don't pull up next to you and say "DUDE, YOUR LIVING ROOM JUST FELL OFF YOUR TRUCK!"
The other random stuff that kills me is the congolmeration or crap people get at a late night WalMart. I'm guilty, I'll admit. It's when you're half conscious and sleep deprived (and maybe hungry or stoned or both) that weird crap will occur to you to buy. I remember once on a 2am trip to buy something specific for Lucia I wound up leaving with push pins, twine, kiwi fruit, steak knives, a DVD, and a dog toy. The best is how magnanimous the clerks try and look. Try pulling that off at a Home Depot after you've grabbed a roll of duct tape, vinyl rope, a tarp, a shovel, and a bag of lime.
Aaaaaaan we're back.
VIRGIL BRIGMAN BACK ON THE AIR
I know it's been a while. For some reason, I haven't really had the motivation to flow. Lot going on, lot happened, etc etc. Gonna leave it at that for now. We'll touch on the rest eventually. Gradually. Whatever.
I wanna talk about the heart for a bit, cuz I inadvertently gave mine an involuntary jolt last week.
Erika and I have been together some time now, and it's because of her that I've been able to move forward the way I have. baby steps, but sometimes what you think is enough... isn't.
I'm new at this. Seriously, I mean like a newborn. It's been a looooong time since I've been in a new or even new-ish relationship. I'm also not the same person i was the last time I was here, so it's completely different. Bottom line, I fucked up.
I'm flirty. It's aprt of who I am. I guess I'm still learning where the lines and boundaries are, because I missed em. Crossed em. Same thing. Point is, I hurt Erika, something I promised I would never do. I've been feeling sick over it ever since, even though she says it's OK and we're moving forward. Still mad at myself for it.
The main reason is pretty simple: I'm crazy about Erika. Seriously. I've been pushing, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtle, to move in with me. I think it would be great for both of us. She hates her job and loves me, so there's two big pluses right there. I love having her there and I love coming home to her, and I love the way i feel when she's around. This brings me to point number two: moving forward.
It's been just over two years since Lucia's been gone. Anyone can tell you that it hit me hard. I've had a lot of difficulty dealing with the loss, and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
A few things have happened to sort of force me to do things. When the car was stolen, a bunch of things in the car that belonged to Lucia were lost. Things around the house have either disappeared or broken. I drove around with hefty bags full of her clothes for months, and when little Allie finished her first week of kindergarten, I knew I HAD to finally stop at Goodwill and drop the bags off. After I did that, I pulled to the side of the parking lot and had a half-hour meltdown. There's also a couple items of clothing still in the closet simply because it makes me feel sick to get rid of them.
I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and changing/taking down some of the pictures in the house is part of it. I drove around with Lucia's picture in the car for months after she was gone, and when Erika and I started spending more time together, i replaced that with a picture of Otis and Mackie.
Recently, Erika's smiling face took its place on my desk at work, and pictures of the two of us are now hanging in the kitchen and living room of the house. She has things in the shower.
Some things are never going away: memories, the tattoo on my arm. However, she told me that, were anything to happen to her, I should find a way to be happy and live my life. I'm doing that, thanks to Erika, my family, and my friends. I'm also looking for support groups to help with the problems I'm still having. In the meantime, I'm thankful for everyone in my life for helping me move and do what I have to in order to live my life. I'm not a big Michael Bolton fan, but he did have it right: what heals a broken heart is time, love, and tenderness, and I'm getting all of that. thanks, guys, and I love you, Erika.
I know it's been a while. For some reason, I haven't really had the motivation to flow. Lot going on, lot happened, etc etc. Gonna leave it at that for now. We'll touch on the rest eventually. Gradually. Whatever.
I wanna talk about the heart for a bit, cuz I inadvertently gave mine an involuntary jolt last week.
Erika and I have been together some time now, and it's because of her that I've been able to move forward the way I have. baby steps, but sometimes what you think is enough... isn't.
I'm new at this. Seriously, I mean like a newborn. It's been a looooong time since I've been in a new or even new-ish relationship. I'm also not the same person i was the last time I was here, so it's completely different. Bottom line, I fucked up.
I'm flirty. It's aprt of who I am. I guess I'm still learning where the lines and boundaries are, because I missed em. Crossed em. Same thing. Point is, I hurt Erika, something I promised I would never do. I've been feeling sick over it ever since, even though she says it's OK and we're moving forward. Still mad at myself for it.
The main reason is pretty simple: I'm crazy about Erika. Seriously. I've been pushing, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtle, to move in with me. I think it would be great for both of us. She hates her job and loves me, so there's two big pluses right there. I love having her there and I love coming home to her, and I love the way i feel when she's around. This brings me to point number two: moving forward.
It's been just over two years since Lucia's been gone. Anyone can tell you that it hit me hard. I've had a lot of difficulty dealing with the loss, and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
A few things have happened to sort of force me to do things. When the car was stolen, a bunch of things in the car that belonged to Lucia were lost. Things around the house have either disappeared or broken. I drove around with hefty bags full of her clothes for months, and when little Allie finished her first week of kindergarten, I knew I HAD to finally stop at Goodwill and drop the bags off. After I did that, I pulled to the side of the parking lot and had a half-hour meltdown. There's also a couple items of clothing still in the closet simply because it makes me feel sick to get rid of them.
I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and changing/taking down some of the pictures in the house is part of it. I drove around with Lucia's picture in the car for months after she was gone, and when Erika and I started spending more time together, i replaced that with a picture of Otis and Mackie.
Recently, Erika's smiling face took its place on my desk at work, and pictures of the two of us are now hanging in the kitchen and living room of the house. She has things in the shower.
Some things are never going away: memories, the tattoo on my arm. However, she told me that, were anything to happen to her, I should find a way to be happy and live my life. I'm doing that, thanks to Erika, my family, and my friends. I'm also looking for support groups to help with the problems I'm still having. In the meantime, I'm thankful for everyone in my life for helping me move and do what I have to in order to live my life. I'm not a big Michael Bolton fan, but he did have it right: what heals a broken heart is time, love, and tenderness, and I'm getting all of that. thanks, guys, and I love you, Erika.
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