Century 21 Take 13

    "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine..." -R.E.M.

    Well, it was supposed to be. Makes me wonder if, 5,000 years from now when people find the films of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, they'll think we caused our own extinction. Makes wonder if they'll be right. But I'm not going to talk about the end right now. I'm going to talk about the beginning. And Continuing.
    This time of the year is interesting, because it marks not only the end, but the beginning as well as... somewhere in between. A continuation of things currently happening. It's like a CD on loop that starts and ends with the same song, but the songs between change every time it plays. I think that's an apt analogy. or, better yet, the songs at the start and finish are the same, but performed in different ways by different artists. Yeah, I think that fits better. The last 6 weeks of each year are given to retrospect, introspect, reflect, compare, contrast, all those things. We reminisce, we plan, we move many directions at once. We look at what we accomplished, what goals we missed, mistakes we made, hopes and dreams both realized and dropped. We think of what we've gained and what we've lost.
    I don't make resolutions. I personally think it's a way of deluding oneself. I'm gonna lose weight, I'm gonna spend and save wiser, I'm gonna help others, I'm gonna be less selfish. I don't think that works. As it's said, promises are made to be broken, and resolutions are simply promises we make to ourself. I like to be more pragmatic, and say things like "I'm going to try and spend more time with those who matter most to me," "I'm going to try and learn from the mistakes I made," "I'm going to try and learn more about myself and how to deal with that."
    But, that's just me.
    As each year goes by, I try to relearn more about myself. I try to discover who I am, who and what I've become in the past couple years. It's getting there. It's a constant work in progress. I always try and look at what I've gained and what I've learned instead of what went wrong and what I've lost. Sometimes that's harder than it sounds. On November 13, I lost a compainion and friend I'd had for a decade, a sweet little girl I watched grow up and developed her own personality before my eyes, who was taken suddenly and without explanation from one who loved her more than anything. My Lil Swee, my precious Ninja, my Baby Kitty. It's been the hardest loss since Lucia died for me, someone who had been a constant part of my life since the Bad Times. She came into my life because the girl I was living with at the time wanted a kitten, and she was so smart and energetic even as a baby. As she grew, she didn't really grow, but rather increased in intelligence and personality. She was always small, always light, and always there. The suddenly, without warning, she was gone. She was hurt or sick Monday night, and I sat with her on the couch and stroked her, kept her warm. When I woke the next morning, she was gone. I buried her in her favorite spot in the yard, between the two trees where she would lay in the grass during the summer and sleep. It's been hard, so hard. She would greet me when I came home, every day since she was a baby. When we bought the house, she would walk with me when I walked the dogs. She was around when things were bad, when things were good. And, as before, the challenge comes to carry on without.
    "Just a cat." Not to me. She was the first pet I had, the first companion I had to take care of solely on my own. No matter what happened, for ten years she was always there for me. My pretty kitty. The neighbors always got a kick about how she shadowed me on my walks. The first time one of them asked where she was... it was like deja vu. I've been here before, and explaining a loss can be so hard.
    I try to keep positive. I think about the fun and the love and all the good times. I think about her as a kitten and how we learned each other's habits and quirks. After Lucia died, she was affectionate and caring, giving me more love than she had in years as I felt me way through the pain and the adjustment, and I gave her the attention she asked for because she missed her mommy. And when Erika came around, she was as happy as I was and went back to her normal, fairly indifferent self. I remember her little quirks, the way she would side-step walk as if she were going to rub up against you but never really touched you. The way she would roll on the ground to show she was happy. The way she would sort of mumble and go "purrrp" and "rik" when she was content. She'd come when called (sometimes) and would always find a way to escape. That's why she was the Ninja. There will never be another kitty like my Swee. I wouldn't want one.
    SHe was one of the big Personal Headlines this year. Go back to the start and there's so much more. My car being stolen in Philadelphia in March, being found a week later, and taking more than a month to repair. The impromptu day trip to Philly to retrieve the car, lunch at Tony Luke's, the drive back, all with Erika at my side. Three performances with Phoenix Theater, the DVD release of the movie in which I had my first credited role, an unexpected windfall from my mortgage company which allowed me to give Erika a birthday to remember. Then, at the end of October, losing my job and a couple weeks later, my kitty. Then December came with a new job and new struggles, but also with good and hopeful news.
    I'm staying positive as this year comes to a close. I'm hoping that the next year yields sweet fruit, that things imrpove. I've always been a fan of education, and I look forward to what I need to learn this next year. A teacher once told me we never stop learning, it goes as we grow. I believe that. When we stop learning, we stop growing, and when we stop growing, we die. I'm not one to simply give up. I'll fight until I can't, and I won't stop until I either win or break. That's who I am. So, let's do this again. Who knows what lies around the corner. Let's check it out.