I AM DONE.
There, I said it.
Years ago, I joined an online community for People Of Size. I like my women a certain way, and I myself am a bigger guy. Always have been, never found myself attractive... then I found this group.
It was fun. There were people like me who liked people like me. It was strictly online (far as I knew) so I never actually got to MEET any of the people I spoke to. Well, once or twice, but nothing but friendship came out of those. By the time I finally attended a social function, I was already in a relationship and the non-social aspect of it never came into play.
Fast forward to 2010.
Everything changed. I was widowed, I was no longer in a relationship, but I wasn't looking to be in another one. I wanted to spend time with the friends I had made over the past few years and remember the woman I had lost. I didn't notice the people looking at me.
I went to every dance and function over the next 6 months. After the third one, I started noticing. I could feel the eyes on me, crawling over me like warm spiders. I could hear the murmurs and mumbles. In my younger days, I had fantasized about being the one sought after, of being the one that they fought over and that everyone wanted. When I felt it, it made my spine prickle. It felt predatory, it felt unwanted, and it felt like I was a slab of beef about to be thrown into the wolves' den.
In short, I knew how women felt at clubs.
It was around this time that I realized something had changed. Something was different. I'm not sure if it was because I was a single guy for the first time and was seeing it in a new light, or because I was there by myself, or if something really had changed. It was different than I remembered it. It didn't seem fun, it didn't seem right...
I don't really drink anymore. In college, hells yeah and I could put it away, too, but these days, hardly. I don't pick up women on the random. Never have, mostly because I never could, but honestly my brain isn't wired that way. I have no game, honestly, and though I exude confidence in certain aspects of my life, I could never successfully seduce a woman to bed with me for the night. I'm always in relationship mode, and if I'm not, I'm in friend mode. There is no in-between, it's always one or the other.
These days, nobody seems to understand that. You see the constant question, "Can A Man And A Woman Be Just Friends?" The answer of course is FUCKING YES!!! I don't see how it cannot. I have many many female friends I do not see in a sexual light. Do I think they are attractive? Yes. I tihnk my mom and my sister are beautiful, too, but we're not gonna go there. It's technically the same thing anyhow. I will admit that i DO have female friends I once tried unsuccessfully to date, which is why they are friends, but I also have female friends of whom I have NEVER had a sexual thought. It is possible for a guy and a girl to be JUST FRIENDS.
So, because so many new people and young people and just people in geneal seem to have forogtten that it all started out as a SOCIAL site. Just because you are involved does not mean you are looking for a date or a hookup or a booty call or a relationship. It started as a place where like-minded and like-bodied people could congregate and hang out. But it seems even "hang out" has developed a different meaning. I wish I could go and have fun. I wish I could bring my girlfriend along and we could have a great time, but the truth is that it isn't what is used to be. People can't just go and have fun without someone trying to cause trouble or some kind of drama being spread. It's not like a regular club, it's more like a soap opera or reality show. It's annoying, it's aggravating, and honestly, it's just not worth the time, so I have left. Once, everyone knew who I was. Now, I don't even know who still attends. I'm fine. I don't need to tell you when I'm gone, because obviously, you haven't noticed or cared, so neither do I. It was fun while it lasted, but I have a new life now, and you are not part of it. Seeya.
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