Aaaaaaan we're back.

VIRGIL BRIGMAN BACK ON THE AIR

I know it's been a while. For some reason, I haven't really had the motivation to flow. Lot going on, lot happened, etc etc. Gonna leave it at that for now. We'll touch on the rest eventually. Gradually. Whatever.

    I wanna talk about the heart for a bit, cuz I inadvertently gave mine an involuntary jolt last week.
    Erika and I have been together some time now, and it's because of her that I've been able to move forward the way I have. baby steps, but sometimes what you think is enough... isn't.
    I'm new at this. Seriously, I mean like a newborn. It's been a looooong time since I've been in a new or even new-ish relationship. I'm also not the same person i was the last time I was here, so it's completely different. Bottom line, I fucked up.
    I'm flirty. It's aprt of who I am. I guess I'm still learning where the lines and boundaries are, because I missed em. Crossed em. Same thing. Point is, I hurt Erika, something I promised I would never do. I've been feeling sick over it ever since, even though she says it's OK and we're moving forward. Still mad at myself for it.
    The main reason is pretty simple: I'm crazy about Erika. Seriously. I've been pushing, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtle, to move in with me. I think it would be great for both of us. She hates her job and loves me, so there's two big pluses right there. I love having her there and I love coming home to her, and I love the way i feel when she's around. This brings me to point number two: moving forward.
    It's been just over two years since Lucia's been gone. Anyone can tell you that it hit me hard. I've had a lot of difficulty dealing with the loss, and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
    A few things have happened to sort of force me to do things. When the car was stolen, a bunch of things in the car that belonged to Lucia were lost. Things around the house have either disappeared or broken. I drove around with hefty bags full of her clothes for months, and when little Allie finished her first week of kindergarten, I knew I HAD to finally stop at Goodwill and drop the bags off. After I did that, I pulled to the side of the parking lot and had a half-hour meltdown. There's also a couple items of clothing still in the closet simply because it makes me feel sick to get rid of them.
    I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and changing/taking down some of the pictures in the house is part of it. I drove around with Lucia's picture in the car for months after she was gone, and when Erika and I started spending more time together, i replaced that with a picture of Otis and Mackie.
    Recently, Erika's smiling face took its place on my desk at work, and pictures of the two of us are now hanging in the kitchen and living room of the house. She has things in the shower.
    Some things are never going away: memories, the tattoo on my arm. However, she told me that, were anything to happen to her, I should find a way to be happy and live my life. I'm doing that, thanks to Erika, my family, and my friends. I'm also looking for support groups to help with the problems I'm still having. In the meantime, I'm thankful for everyone in my life for helping me move and do what I have to in order to live my life. I'm not a big Michael Bolton fan, but he did have it right: what heals a broken heart is time, love, and tenderness, and I'm getting all of that. thanks, guys, and I love you, Erika.