OK, I know I haven't written as much as I had planned. Things never go the way way you think and/or hope they will.
That's actually kinda what i want to talk about. We just had an election, what, a week ago, and seriously, PEOPLE NEED TO CHILL. THE FUCK. OUT.
This was a hotly contested election. I know, it always is, but NO. This time was absolutely horrendous. Entire families were polarized by this election, both on a national and local level. You had people DEMANDING that Obama fall in flames and Romney take over because he would be SO MUCH BETTER at the job. We've had enough of the blue-collar black guy, put a rich white guy back in there. Sadly, in some of the Southern states (and some of the Northern red states, as well), that's almost exactly what they were hollering at rallies. It was happening here at home, too. The split between Linda McMahon and Chris Murphy was astounding, and the debates... you kept waiting for them to start throwing things at each other and calling each other "poopie head" to "doo doo brain."
In the end, it was a Blue Day. President B-Rock went back to his place on PA Ave for another four years and Murphy took 95 to the Beltway again. And people were MAD.
A lot of them still are. Everyone saying "Just you wait, You'll realize what has happened soon enough." All the RedHeads so mad and so upset, and there are some people petitioning to LEAVE THE FUCKING UNION. Over an election.
In the middle of the 19th Century, a bunch of states tried this before. Anyone remember that little spat? Lasted until the end of the 1860s, killed more men than any other war we've fought, and blew away one of the greatest leaders this country has ever seen? No? Nobody? Well seeing as how nobody seems to remember the past these days, it doesn't surprise me. And that's sad.
It may be just a statement. It may be simply symbolic. But I would like to point out a few things.
1. The same thing happened back when GW Bush was elected to a second term. About half the country said "Are you people RETARDED?" and "The world is laughing at us right now." Kinda funny these are the same things I'm hearing from Conservatives and Republicans over the past week.
2. With this new Petraeus scandal, people are up in arms. And they should be, but they're blaming Obama for it. maybe he knew, maybe he didn't, but I'd like to bring up something people may have forgotten about: remember the CIA scandals while Bush II was in office? No? Look it up. It's public info. I'd also like to say three words people may have forgotten: REAGAN, OLLIE NORTH. Yeah. Let's think about those, huh?
3. No matter who won, a huge chunk of people were gonna be pissed off. "Obama lied." "Romney lied." THEY ALL FUDGED. It's sad that they do. I don't know where it started. Did it go all the way back to that summer day in Philadelphia 236 years ago? Were Tommy, George, and Benny a bunch of bullshit artists? Possibly. Somewhere along the line, Politicians got lost and we stopped being a Government Of The People, For The People, By The People.
The only way to get past that is TO COME TOGETHER. That's harder than it sounds, seeing as how split right down the middle we are right now. We need change. We HAVE NEEDED change. A great many people don't believe Obama has lived to that promise FOR change, and here's the issue with that:
IT TAKES TIME.
We have become a society so bent on instant gratification that unless there are immediate, visible, tangible results in something, we think it's not working. We say we've been lied to. Trickle-down Economics doesn't work. Voodoo Economics doesn't work. So, what does work? I think it's been so long since we've seen something that works, we can't even identify if something IS working or not.
FDR pulled the world out of the Depression with his New Deal. It took a while, but by the mid-fifties, we were fairly economically sound. So what happened?
There's the key. We need to backtrack and find out where we went wrong and figure out how to repair it. We're not gonna do it alone or one person at a time. We need to quit fucking squabbling about who's the best leader and who lied more and TAKE ACTION. Don't like the candidates? You have the ability and the power to RUN YOURSELF. Go for it. Don't like the way it's going? Bring up your own ideas. Make the process work. There has to be a way, because it seemed to work for quite some time before we fucked it up.
We can pull through whatever issues we have. We can work through all adversity if we work as a team and do this together. One problem with that is people need to learn to be accepting of other people. You heard that, right?
ACCEPT THE OTHER OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE AROUND YOU. We need to accept that fact that we're all different. ALL OF US. Nobody is exactly alike. NOBODY. Even twins have fundamental differences that distinguish them from each other. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. It's one of those things that makes this country great, is we're supposed to be ALLOWED to be different. Religion, tattoos, sexual orientation, income levels, education levels, ideas, thoughts, jobs... accept the fact the people other than YOU live here and people other than YOU have the right to live their lives. That seems to be a major issue we've been having, is so many people are absolutely ASTOUNDED that some people are not like them. Skin color, background, who they love, what they like to do... WE'RE IN THE TWENTY-FIRST FUCKING CENTURY AND STILL ARGUE OVER WHO CAN DATE WHO. Holy fucking CHRIST IN A BUCKET. REALLY? We have phones so small that can do amazing, incredible things. We have "communication" out the wazoo, and we still treat people differently because the level of melanin in their skin is higher than others. We have massive technological advances but we can't get over that Bob loves Kevin and Christina loves Gina and they want to be with each other the same way that Scott and Amanda do. Why is that so hard to fathom? Why is that so hard to accept?
THESE are the reasons our country is divided, not just which politician lied more about whatever. WE NEED TO GET OVER OUR PETTY DIFFERENCES, and yes, they are FUCKING PETTY. It's sad that this is who we are as a species, unable to accept the differences that are inherent among us. There will be no balance and no peace as long as that occurs, but we all know how damn-near impossible it is to assuage somebody's BELIEFS.
This talk of division needs to end. This talk of secession needs to end. The only way things are going to get satisfactorily better is if we work together. Honestly, I don't think enough of us want that. There's too many of us that are Veruca Salt, wanting it THEIR WAY and RIGHT BLOODY FUCKING NOW. There's too many of us unwilling to compromise and try something new, it's their way or no way and they will do whatever they can to keep any way other than their way from succeeding or even seeing the light of day. That's where our problem is. That's what we need to change.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
BETWEEN HERE AND THERE
A lot has happened. A lot. You think time moves so slowly and gradually, but when you look at the scale of things and the line from Point A to Point B... it's like looking at a puddle and then looking at the ocean.
First was the job. I try hard at everything I do, I give my all, I dedicate myself to a cause and to doing it right. Never quit, keep trying and working until you get is flawless and correct. Didn't work. No matter what i tried, no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough, it wasn't right, and that was it. It just makes me wonder two things: 1. If ANYONE would be able to do it right according to the standards set forth, and 2. If he himself could live up to his own standards in similar conditions. Yes, I'm upset, but it just makes you think. When I was a boss, running things and setting things as I saw fit and I felt most efficient, I told everyone who worked with me and for me that I would never ask someone to do something I myself would not do. It's a different situation when someone who has been entrenched at a job for almost four decades and who has almost no communication skills expects you to do something without a given reason and without explanation. I was told to emulate and imitate him, but without know the WHY behind the WHAT, it's difficult to do.So, here I find myself for the second time in two years, once again on the hunt in a forest where game is scarce.
Next came the storm. Years ago, the Gulf region was devastated by Katrina. To this day, there is still strewn wreckage, missing people, and broken dreams still being repaired. Our home felt this impact this past week. The greatest city in the world was battered and beaten, a waterlogged wreck. The news pictures looked like something out of a Michael Bay movie, and for many of us it was hard to believe it was real. Further south, New Jersey was slammed like a rape victim and left in ruin. Like Katrina in the Gulf, Sandy will leave a permanent scar on New England and the mid-Atlantic states. People returning home to find it is gone. Landmarks and memories swept away or broken to splinters. Yes, we can rebuild, but some things can never be replaced, or even substituted.
Driving from East Haven to Milford you can see a handful of the effects. Piles of sand pushed against beach guardrails as a precaution did little, as the beach extends for a quarter mile uphill into the residential area. Telephone poles broken in half resting on their dead wires, trees torn by the very roots like giant weeds. On the West Haven/Milford line, you could see the waterlines on the front of homes and the deep gouges that were once driveways. Trees resting against roofs, home accessories that hadn't been tied down or brought in strewn around like children's toys. Down into Woodmont, were seawater still sat across the road several feet deep. Fences twisted and flattened, roofs lifted, sheds battered. One thing to remember: we're all "someone else" to someone else.
I lost a few things these past couple weeks, but not as much as others around the region did. Some neighbors are still without power, without water, without fuel. Sometimes, it's easy to forget or take for granted what we have. I've said it before, but it's sad that sometimes it takes something horrible to make us realize what we DO have and how fortunate we truly are. Until you experience disaster and loss yourself, you never truly understand. It's the nature of things. I wish it weren't so, but it is. Thanksgiving is coming, you know. This year, i think it bears some real consideration and real thought as to what it means.
First was the job. I try hard at everything I do, I give my all, I dedicate myself to a cause and to doing it right. Never quit, keep trying and working until you get is flawless and correct. Didn't work. No matter what i tried, no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough, it wasn't right, and that was it. It just makes me wonder two things: 1. If ANYONE would be able to do it right according to the standards set forth, and 2. If he himself could live up to his own standards in similar conditions. Yes, I'm upset, but it just makes you think. When I was a boss, running things and setting things as I saw fit and I felt most efficient, I told everyone who worked with me and for me that I would never ask someone to do something I myself would not do. It's a different situation when someone who has been entrenched at a job for almost four decades and who has almost no communication skills expects you to do something without a given reason and without explanation. I was told to emulate and imitate him, but without know the WHY behind the WHAT, it's difficult to do.So, here I find myself for the second time in two years, once again on the hunt in a forest where game is scarce.
Next came the storm. Years ago, the Gulf region was devastated by Katrina. To this day, there is still strewn wreckage, missing people, and broken dreams still being repaired. Our home felt this impact this past week. The greatest city in the world was battered and beaten, a waterlogged wreck. The news pictures looked like something out of a Michael Bay movie, and for many of us it was hard to believe it was real. Further south, New Jersey was slammed like a rape victim and left in ruin. Like Katrina in the Gulf, Sandy will leave a permanent scar on New England and the mid-Atlantic states. People returning home to find it is gone. Landmarks and memories swept away or broken to splinters. Yes, we can rebuild, but some things can never be replaced, or even substituted.
Driving from East Haven to Milford you can see a handful of the effects. Piles of sand pushed against beach guardrails as a precaution did little, as the beach extends for a quarter mile uphill into the residential area. Telephone poles broken in half resting on their dead wires, trees torn by the very roots like giant weeds. On the West Haven/Milford line, you could see the waterlines on the front of homes and the deep gouges that were once driveways. Trees resting against roofs, home accessories that hadn't been tied down or brought in strewn around like children's toys. Down into Woodmont, were seawater still sat across the road several feet deep. Fences twisted and flattened, roofs lifted, sheds battered. One thing to remember: we're all "someone else" to someone else.
I lost a few things these past couple weeks, but not as much as others around the region did. Some neighbors are still without power, without water, without fuel. Sometimes, it's easy to forget or take for granted what we have. I've said it before, but it's sad that sometimes it takes something horrible to make us realize what we DO have and how fortunate we truly are. Until you experience disaster and loss yourself, you never truly understand. It's the nature of things. I wish it weren't so, but it is. Thanksgiving is coming, you know. This year, i think it bears some real consideration and real thought as to what it means.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
A BIT OF THE RANDOM
Ever look at the stuff scattered on the side of the highway? Some of the things you see, it just makes you wonder:
* baseball caps. You don't think they noticed? Especially some of the high-end ones, the $35 ones. They just say "Damn!" and let it go? I'd pull over to the shoulder and run back to get it, personally.
* The Single Shoe. THAT you'd think they'd notice. Really. And it's on the DRIVER'S side. What, is dude driving down the highway with his foot out the window? How the hell does THAT one happen?
*Furniture. FURNITURE. Do you get to your destination and realize "Hey, where'd the couch go?" or "I think we're missing an armoir." I dunno. I guess that shows you how unconcerned with our fellow man we are, when people behind you don't pull up next to you and say "DUDE, YOUR LIVING ROOM JUST FELL OFF YOUR TRUCK!"
The other random stuff that kills me is the congolmeration or crap people get at a late night WalMart. I'm guilty, I'll admit. It's when you're half conscious and sleep deprived (and maybe hungry or stoned or both) that weird crap will occur to you to buy. I remember once on a 2am trip to buy something specific for Lucia I wound up leaving with push pins, twine, kiwi fruit, steak knives, a DVD, and a dog toy. The best is how magnanimous the clerks try and look. Try pulling that off at a Home Depot after you've grabbed a roll of duct tape, vinyl rope, a tarp, a shovel, and a bag of lime.
* baseball caps. You don't think they noticed? Especially some of the high-end ones, the $35 ones. They just say "Damn!" and let it go? I'd pull over to the shoulder and run back to get it, personally.
* The Single Shoe. THAT you'd think they'd notice. Really. And it's on the DRIVER'S side. What, is dude driving down the highway with his foot out the window? How the hell does THAT one happen?
*Furniture. FURNITURE. Do you get to your destination and realize "Hey, where'd the couch go?" or "I think we're missing an armoir." I dunno. I guess that shows you how unconcerned with our fellow man we are, when people behind you don't pull up next to you and say "DUDE, YOUR LIVING ROOM JUST FELL OFF YOUR TRUCK!"
The other random stuff that kills me is the congolmeration or crap people get at a late night WalMart. I'm guilty, I'll admit. It's when you're half conscious and sleep deprived (and maybe hungry or stoned or both) that weird crap will occur to you to buy. I remember once on a 2am trip to buy something specific for Lucia I wound up leaving with push pins, twine, kiwi fruit, steak knives, a DVD, and a dog toy. The best is how magnanimous the clerks try and look. Try pulling that off at a Home Depot after you've grabbed a roll of duct tape, vinyl rope, a tarp, a shovel, and a bag of lime.
Aaaaaaan we're back.
VIRGIL BRIGMAN BACK ON THE AIR
I know it's been a while. For some reason, I haven't really had the motivation to flow. Lot going on, lot happened, etc etc. Gonna leave it at that for now. We'll touch on the rest eventually. Gradually. Whatever.
I wanna talk about the heart for a bit, cuz I inadvertently gave mine an involuntary jolt last week.
Erika and I have been together some time now, and it's because of her that I've been able to move forward the way I have. baby steps, but sometimes what you think is enough... isn't.
I'm new at this. Seriously, I mean like a newborn. It's been a looooong time since I've been in a new or even new-ish relationship. I'm also not the same person i was the last time I was here, so it's completely different. Bottom line, I fucked up.
I'm flirty. It's aprt of who I am. I guess I'm still learning where the lines and boundaries are, because I missed em. Crossed em. Same thing. Point is, I hurt Erika, something I promised I would never do. I've been feeling sick over it ever since, even though she says it's OK and we're moving forward. Still mad at myself for it.
The main reason is pretty simple: I'm crazy about Erika. Seriously. I've been pushing, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtle, to move in with me. I think it would be great for both of us. She hates her job and loves me, so there's two big pluses right there. I love having her there and I love coming home to her, and I love the way i feel when she's around. This brings me to point number two: moving forward.
It's been just over two years since Lucia's been gone. Anyone can tell you that it hit me hard. I've had a lot of difficulty dealing with the loss, and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
A few things have happened to sort of force me to do things. When the car was stolen, a bunch of things in the car that belonged to Lucia were lost. Things around the house have either disappeared or broken. I drove around with hefty bags full of her clothes for months, and when little Allie finished her first week of kindergarten, I knew I HAD to finally stop at Goodwill and drop the bags off. After I did that, I pulled to the side of the parking lot and had a half-hour meltdown. There's also a couple items of clothing still in the closet simply because it makes me feel sick to get rid of them.
I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and changing/taking down some of the pictures in the house is part of it. I drove around with Lucia's picture in the car for months after she was gone, and when Erika and I started spending more time together, i replaced that with a picture of Otis and Mackie.
Recently, Erika's smiling face took its place on my desk at work, and pictures of the two of us are now hanging in the kitchen and living room of the house. She has things in the shower.
Some things are never going away: memories, the tattoo on my arm. However, she told me that, were anything to happen to her, I should find a way to be happy and live my life. I'm doing that, thanks to Erika, my family, and my friends. I'm also looking for support groups to help with the problems I'm still having. In the meantime, I'm thankful for everyone in my life for helping me move and do what I have to in order to live my life. I'm not a big Michael Bolton fan, but he did have it right: what heals a broken heart is time, love, and tenderness, and I'm getting all of that. thanks, guys, and I love you, Erika.
I know it's been a while. For some reason, I haven't really had the motivation to flow. Lot going on, lot happened, etc etc. Gonna leave it at that for now. We'll touch on the rest eventually. Gradually. Whatever.
I wanna talk about the heart for a bit, cuz I inadvertently gave mine an involuntary jolt last week.
Erika and I have been together some time now, and it's because of her that I've been able to move forward the way I have. baby steps, but sometimes what you think is enough... isn't.
I'm new at this. Seriously, I mean like a newborn. It's been a looooong time since I've been in a new or even new-ish relationship. I'm also not the same person i was the last time I was here, so it's completely different. Bottom line, I fucked up.
I'm flirty. It's aprt of who I am. I guess I'm still learning where the lines and boundaries are, because I missed em. Crossed em. Same thing. Point is, I hurt Erika, something I promised I would never do. I've been feeling sick over it ever since, even though she says it's OK and we're moving forward. Still mad at myself for it.
The main reason is pretty simple: I'm crazy about Erika. Seriously. I've been pushing, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtle, to move in with me. I think it would be great for both of us. She hates her job and loves me, so there's two big pluses right there. I love having her there and I love coming home to her, and I love the way i feel when she's around. This brings me to point number two: moving forward.
It's been just over two years since Lucia's been gone. Anyone can tell you that it hit me hard. I've had a lot of difficulty dealing with the loss, and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
A few things have happened to sort of force me to do things. When the car was stolen, a bunch of things in the car that belonged to Lucia were lost. Things around the house have either disappeared or broken. I drove around with hefty bags full of her clothes for months, and when little Allie finished her first week of kindergarten, I knew I HAD to finally stop at Goodwill and drop the bags off. After I did that, I pulled to the side of the parking lot and had a half-hour meltdown. There's also a couple items of clothing still in the closet simply because it makes me feel sick to get rid of them.
I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and changing/taking down some of the pictures in the house is part of it. I drove around with Lucia's picture in the car for months after she was gone, and when Erika and I started spending more time together, i replaced that with a picture of Otis and Mackie.
Recently, Erika's smiling face took its place on my desk at work, and pictures of the two of us are now hanging in the kitchen and living room of the house. She has things in the shower.
Some things are never going away: memories, the tattoo on my arm. However, she told me that, were anything to happen to her, I should find a way to be happy and live my life. I'm doing that, thanks to Erika, my family, and my friends. I'm also looking for support groups to help with the problems I'm still having. In the meantime, I'm thankful for everyone in my life for helping me move and do what I have to in order to live my life. I'm not a big Michael Bolton fan, but he did have it right: what heals a broken heart is time, love, and tenderness, and I'm getting all of that. thanks, guys, and I love you, Erika.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
TIS THE SEASON
There's a reason all the family-and-friends-oriented holidays are at the end of the year. Say what you will about pagan festivals and whatnot, I believe there's something a little more basic than that at the root.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Tet, New Year's... it all happens within the same 6-week period. These are the biggest celebrations of the year (granted, Turkey Day is strictly American, but still...) and they all happen at the end of the year. The reason is just that: THE END OF THE YEAR. We use it as a reflection on ourselves, as a worldwide Reality Check. We look at things and say "Hey, we made it through another 12 months without killing ourselves or each other." Yes, we lose a lot during the year. People die, jobs are lost, money is spent, possessions are stolen, things and people are taken from us. It's unavoidable because it's part of life.
BUT.
Things are also GIVEN to us. Babies are born. Jobs are found. Money is earned and won. Possessions are bought or created. Objects are discovered or recovered. IT ALL BALANCES OUT. Maybe not right down the middle, 50/50, but it comes back eventually.
We think back on these things and reflect and bask in the memories of the good and the bad. We're human, so we want to do this with others. We want the comfort of those closest to us so we can share the mutual things we have both lost and gained. We want to mourn what we have lost and celebrate what we have gained, and we don't want to do it alone. We turn to our friends and family, those closest and most important to us. It's an interesting dichotomy how this time of year is simultaneously about the individual AND the group. We think about our family as a whole, but we also think about ourselves: the things we want for the upcoming year, the things we did and didn't do over the past year...
Sometimes, you NEED to think about yourself. Someone very close and dear to me once said "If you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be any good for anyone else." The irony is this is the one person who never did anything for themselves and only ever worried about everyone else.
Something to think about: what's yours is YOURS. I'm not talking about possessions or money or anything shallow or stupid like that. I'm talking about YOU. Your life, your soul, your spirit. Your life is something that is completely yours unless you choose to give it to someone or something else, but the best part is YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK IF YOU SO CHOOSE. We were given this amazing thing called Free Will that allows you to choose as you see fit, to make your own mistakes and choices. Love whomever you want. Spend time with whomever you want. Live your life as you see fit. This is the gift we have been given, and as Americans, we are fortunate enough to be able to do just that. Just because you have friends some of your other friends don't like doesn't mean you need to cut off anybody. Yes, it sucks you can't have all your people in one place sometimes, but you find a way to make time for each little circle.
I'm sad a lot of my friends don't get along anymore. It hurts to know that where we were once one big family, we're now broken down into smaller clusters. I don't understand it, I don't really understand how or why it happened, but it has. One group may not like another, or this person may have issue with that person, but there's always a bridge between. In this case, ME. Friends are important. Family is important, and in many cases, the two are one and the same. Occasionally, you have to fight for your family. You have to do the same with friends.
A lot has happened over the past year. I think about it now, as the holidays come close and as this year draws to a close. There has been loss, there has been gain, there has been change. It's life. It's what's supposed to happen. I started this year with no job, full of uncertainty, full of confusion and conflict both in my heart and my mind. I look towards the next year with a bit more confidence, a bit more clarity, and a bit more optimism. I have to. It's the only way to move forward and to grow. Think on these things. Free will.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Tet, New Year's... it all happens within the same 6-week period. These are the biggest celebrations of the year (granted, Turkey Day is strictly American, but still...) and they all happen at the end of the year. The reason is just that: THE END OF THE YEAR. We use it as a reflection on ourselves, as a worldwide Reality Check. We look at things and say "Hey, we made it through another 12 months without killing ourselves or each other." Yes, we lose a lot during the year. People die, jobs are lost, money is spent, possessions are stolen, things and people are taken from us. It's unavoidable because it's part of life.
BUT.
Things are also GIVEN to us. Babies are born. Jobs are found. Money is earned and won. Possessions are bought or created. Objects are discovered or recovered. IT ALL BALANCES OUT. Maybe not right down the middle, 50/50, but it comes back eventually.
We think back on these things and reflect and bask in the memories of the good and the bad. We're human, so we want to do this with others. We want the comfort of those closest to us so we can share the mutual things we have both lost and gained. We want to mourn what we have lost and celebrate what we have gained, and we don't want to do it alone. We turn to our friends and family, those closest and most important to us. It's an interesting dichotomy how this time of year is simultaneously about the individual AND the group. We think about our family as a whole, but we also think about ourselves: the things we want for the upcoming year, the things we did and didn't do over the past year...
Sometimes, you NEED to think about yourself. Someone very close and dear to me once said "If you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be any good for anyone else." The irony is this is the one person who never did anything for themselves and only ever worried about everyone else.
Something to think about: what's yours is YOURS. I'm not talking about possessions or money or anything shallow or stupid like that. I'm talking about YOU. Your life, your soul, your spirit. Your life is something that is completely yours unless you choose to give it to someone or something else, but the best part is YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK IF YOU SO CHOOSE. We were given this amazing thing called Free Will that allows you to choose as you see fit, to make your own mistakes and choices. Love whomever you want. Spend time with whomever you want. Live your life as you see fit. This is the gift we have been given, and as Americans, we are fortunate enough to be able to do just that. Just because you have friends some of your other friends don't like doesn't mean you need to cut off anybody. Yes, it sucks you can't have all your people in one place sometimes, but you find a way to make time for each little circle.
I'm sad a lot of my friends don't get along anymore. It hurts to know that where we were once one big family, we're now broken down into smaller clusters. I don't understand it, I don't really understand how or why it happened, but it has. One group may not like another, or this person may have issue with that person, but there's always a bridge between. In this case, ME. Friends are important. Family is important, and in many cases, the two are one and the same. Occasionally, you have to fight for your family. You have to do the same with friends.
A lot has happened over the past year. I think about it now, as the holidays come close and as this year draws to a close. There has been loss, there has been gain, there has been change. It's life. It's what's supposed to happen. I started this year with no job, full of uncertainty, full of confusion and conflict both in my heart and my mind. I look towards the next year with a bit more confidence, a bit more clarity, and a bit more optimism. I have to. It's the only way to move forward and to grow. Think on these things. Free will.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tidal
More than a year now, and I'm still experiencing firsts. That's a little tough to get used to.
From June 23, 2010 until June 23, 2011 life was full of unwelcome firsts. It was Continuing On, it was Starting Over, none of which I wanted. Birthdays, holidays, milestones, anniversaries... all without that Special Someone, that one person with whom I had shared every second, every aspect, every memory for seven glorious years. It continues to be so, and once again, I'm scared of what it will be like and what my reactions and responses will be.
Her birthday last year was hard, and this year was no better. July 4th, Labor Day, our Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, February 25 (the day I proposed), Mother's Day, my birthday, and One Year. Last year on our anniversary, I went to Foxwoods for the first time in God knows how long. It was the first time I had EVER been there alone. EVER. It was unnerving and scary. In February, I attended Coronation alone for the first time. That was rough, especially seeing such a close friend, wearing her wedding gown, so distraught and upset as he entered the ballroom. I knew exactly how he felt.
I'm approaching another one in a few days. This will be the first MonsterMania Convention I will be attending without her. I know it will be rough, I know it will be different, but I also know I'm ready. I haven't been to this hotel since March 2008, and she was sick the entire time. It was our honeymoon, and my mother, a very recent victim to a brain aneurysm, commanded us to go and have fun. Lucia was sick, she was having trouble breathing, and her leg was so swollen it was splitting the skin, but she was insistent on going. We brought her pump and her nebulizer, and she was so happy to hang out with Sid Haig and Brian O'Halloran and talk to the guys from Ghost Hunters. Terry Cruickshank, the artist who made our Zombie Bride And Groom dolls was there. The next Convention we went to was held in Cromwell, just a short ride from home, but it wasn't the same as Cherry Hill. And then... the world collapsed. Everything changed.
And now I find myself about to embark on another First. Our friends know. There are some returning guests, but they probably won't remember me, not without her. And that's OK. It's part of starting over, I guess. She was such a commanding presence, not somebody you just forget. If you met her once, you remembered. Robert Englund, who hadn't seen us since 2005 and had seen countless thousands of other between us, recognized us in Cromwell in 2009. He looked at us, smiled, and said "You better have brought those wedding pictures." This from a celebrity who hadn't seen or heard from us in 4 years and had met how many other people, remembered that conversation, and I have no doubt it was because of her.
I find it ironic that the same guys from Ghost Hunters will be there this time, that Lance Henirksen will once again be there, that Tony Todd will once again be there. It's a strange kind of homecoming, and I find myself wondering, since it has been so long since I have been there, how different things will be. Will it be a different set-up? Will it be a different atmosphere? How different will it be now that she's not there, in physical form, at least? I know her spirit will be there. She never leaves me. I can feel her constantly. I know she'll be there for the ride and the convention on Friday, and I can't wait to see how she makes her presence known. She left me a single white gerber at Kelly's wedding. What'll it be this time?
From June 23, 2010 until June 23, 2011 life was full of unwelcome firsts. It was Continuing On, it was Starting Over, none of which I wanted. Birthdays, holidays, milestones, anniversaries... all without that Special Someone, that one person with whom I had shared every second, every aspect, every memory for seven glorious years. It continues to be so, and once again, I'm scared of what it will be like and what my reactions and responses will be.
Her birthday last year was hard, and this year was no better. July 4th, Labor Day, our Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, February 25 (the day I proposed), Mother's Day, my birthday, and One Year. Last year on our anniversary, I went to Foxwoods for the first time in God knows how long. It was the first time I had EVER been there alone. EVER. It was unnerving and scary. In February, I attended Coronation alone for the first time. That was rough, especially seeing such a close friend, wearing her wedding gown, so distraught and upset as he entered the ballroom. I knew exactly how he felt.
I'm approaching another one in a few days. This will be the first MonsterMania Convention I will be attending without her. I know it will be rough, I know it will be different, but I also know I'm ready. I haven't been to this hotel since March 2008, and she was sick the entire time. It was our honeymoon, and my mother, a very recent victim to a brain aneurysm, commanded us to go and have fun. Lucia was sick, she was having trouble breathing, and her leg was so swollen it was splitting the skin, but she was insistent on going. We brought her pump and her nebulizer, and she was so happy to hang out with Sid Haig and Brian O'Halloran and talk to the guys from Ghost Hunters. Terry Cruickshank, the artist who made our Zombie Bride And Groom dolls was there. The next Convention we went to was held in Cromwell, just a short ride from home, but it wasn't the same as Cherry Hill. And then... the world collapsed. Everything changed.
And now I find myself about to embark on another First. Our friends know. There are some returning guests, but they probably won't remember me, not without her. And that's OK. It's part of starting over, I guess. She was such a commanding presence, not somebody you just forget. If you met her once, you remembered. Robert Englund, who hadn't seen us since 2005 and had seen countless thousands of other between us, recognized us in Cromwell in 2009. He looked at us, smiled, and said "You better have brought those wedding pictures." This from a celebrity who hadn't seen or heard from us in 4 years and had met how many other people, remembered that conversation, and I have no doubt it was because of her.
I find it ironic that the same guys from Ghost Hunters will be there this time, that Lance Henirksen will once again be there, that Tony Todd will once again be there. It's a strange kind of homecoming, and I find myself wondering, since it has been so long since I have been there, how different things will be. Will it be a different set-up? Will it be a different atmosphere? How different will it be now that she's not there, in physical form, at least? I know her spirit will be there. She never leaves me. I can feel her constantly. I know she'll be there for the ride and the convention on Friday, and I can't wait to see how she makes her presence known. She left me a single white gerber at Kelly's wedding. What'll it be this time?
Priority... Two?
We're always being told to prioritize. This needs to be done before this, something needs to happen before something else can happen, this person is more important than this person, blah blah blah you know the drill.
There's only one problem with prioritizing, and that's that someone or something has to be #2. There always has to be a Second Priority. And nobody wants to be #2.
Everyone wants to be first in line, first on the list, first come and first serve. It's insane. At work, your boss will come to you and say "I need you to do this, this, and this." So you start at the beginning, and eventually the boss will come back and say "Why are doing this, I need you to do this first." After this happens a few times, you get frustrated and blurt out, "In which order do you want these done?" and your boss will answer brilliantly, saying something like "I want them all done at the same time."
That's a general attitude. And sadly, a lot of us think that way, and it's interesting to see what happens when people prioritize differently from one another. I'll give you an example.
When I was fresh out of college, I knocked up the girl I was seeing. Originally, we had opted to keep the kid. I started working additional jobs and trying to squirrel away some money, and we decided to have a sit-down with both our families. Her father was career military and born into money. Both sides of the family were against our decision. Her father told me I didn't know how to make his daughter my priority, even though I was working more and saving more money. he said I wasn't making her the priority because I had wanted to keep the baby, and by doing so wasn't thinking about HER.
Hm. Interesting justification.
The thing about priority is compromise. Sacrifices have to be made, and you have to accept that maybe your shit is not as important as someone else's. It's even better when you have two people telling you that THEIR shit is more important than the other guy's, because then you get to tell them to duke it out amongst themselves, and THAT makes for good TV. :)
There's only one problem with prioritizing, and that's that someone or something has to be #2. There always has to be a Second Priority. And nobody wants to be #2.
Everyone wants to be first in line, first on the list, first come and first serve. It's insane. At work, your boss will come to you and say "I need you to do this, this, and this." So you start at the beginning, and eventually the boss will come back and say "Why are doing this, I need you to do this first." After this happens a few times, you get frustrated and blurt out, "In which order do you want these done?" and your boss will answer brilliantly, saying something like "I want them all done at the same time."
That's a general attitude. And sadly, a lot of us think that way, and it's interesting to see what happens when people prioritize differently from one another. I'll give you an example.
When I was fresh out of college, I knocked up the girl I was seeing. Originally, we had opted to keep the kid. I started working additional jobs and trying to squirrel away some money, and we decided to have a sit-down with both our families. Her father was career military and born into money. Both sides of the family were against our decision. Her father told me I didn't know how to make his daughter my priority, even though I was working more and saving more money. he said I wasn't making her the priority because I had wanted to keep the baby, and by doing so wasn't thinking about HER.
Hm. Interesting justification.
The thing about priority is compromise. Sacrifices have to be made, and you have to accept that maybe your shit is not as important as someone else's. It's even better when you have two people telling you that THEIR shit is more important than the other guy's, because then you get to tell them to duke it out amongst themselves, and THAT makes for good TV. :)
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