Ever look at the stuff scattered on the side of the highway? Some of the things you see, it just makes you wonder:
* baseball caps. You don't think they noticed? Especially some of the high-end ones, the $35 ones. They just say "Damn!" and let it go? I'd pull over to the shoulder and run back to get it, personally.
* The Single Shoe. THAT you'd think they'd notice. Really. And it's on the DRIVER'S side. What, is dude driving down the highway with his foot out the window? How the hell does THAT one happen?
*Furniture. FURNITURE. Do you get to your destination and realize "Hey, where'd the couch go?" or "I think we're missing an armoir." I dunno. I guess that shows you how unconcerned with our fellow man we are, when people behind you don't pull up next to you and say "DUDE, YOUR LIVING ROOM JUST FELL OFF YOUR TRUCK!"
The other random stuff that kills me is the congolmeration or crap people get at a late night WalMart. I'm guilty, I'll admit. It's when you're half conscious and sleep deprived (and maybe hungry or stoned or both) that weird crap will occur to you to buy. I remember once on a 2am trip to buy something specific for Lucia I wound up leaving with push pins, twine, kiwi fruit, steak knives, a DVD, and a dog toy. The best is how magnanimous the clerks try and look. Try pulling that off at a Home Depot after you've grabbed a roll of duct tape, vinyl rope, a tarp, a shovel, and a bag of lime.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Aaaaaaan we're back.
VIRGIL BRIGMAN BACK ON THE AIR
I know it's been a while. For some reason, I haven't really had the motivation to flow. Lot going on, lot happened, etc etc. Gonna leave it at that for now. We'll touch on the rest eventually. Gradually. Whatever.
I wanna talk about the heart for a bit, cuz I inadvertently gave mine an involuntary jolt last week.
Erika and I have been together some time now, and it's because of her that I've been able to move forward the way I have. baby steps, but sometimes what you think is enough... isn't.
I'm new at this. Seriously, I mean like a newborn. It's been a looooong time since I've been in a new or even new-ish relationship. I'm also not the same person i was the last time I was here, so it's completely different. Bottom line, I fucked up.
I'm flirty. It's aprt of who I am. I guess I'm still learning where the lines and boundaries are, because I missed em. Crossed em. Same thing. Point is, I hurt Erika, something I promised I would never do. I've been feeling sick over it ever since, even though she says it's OK and we're moving forward. Still mad at myself for it.
The main reason is pretty simple: I'm crazy about Erika. Seriously. I've been pushing, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtle, to move in with me. I think it would be great for both of us. She hates her job and loves me, so there's two big pluses right there. I love having her there and I love coming home to her, and I love the way i feel when she's around. This brings me to point number two: moving forward.
It's been just over two years since Lucia's been gone. Anyone can tell you that it hit me hard. I've had a lot of difficulty dealing with the loss, and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
A few things have happened to sort of force me to do things. When the car was stolen, a bunch of things in the car that belonged to Lucia were lost. Things around the house have either disappeared or broken. I drove around with hefty bags full of her clothes for months, and when little Allie finished her first week of kindergarten, I knew I HAD to finally stop at Goodwill and drop the bags off. After I did that, I pulled to the side of the parking lot and had a half-hour meltdown. There's also a couple items of clothing still in the closet simply because it makes me feel sick to get rid of them.
I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and changing/taking down some of the pictures in the house is part of it. I drove around with Lucia's picture in the car for months after she was gone, and when Erika and I started spending more time together, i replaced that with a picture of Otis and Mackie.
Recently, Erika's smiling face took its place on my desk at work, and pictures of the two of us are now hanging in the kitchen and living room of the house. She has things in the shower.
Some things are never going away: memories, the tattoo on my arm. However, she told me that, were anything to happen to her, I should find a way to be happy and live my life. I'm doing that, thanks to Erika, my family, and my friends. I'm also looking for support groups to help with the problems I'm still having. In the meantime, I'm thankful for everyone in my life for helping me move and do what I have to in order to live my life. I'm not a big Michael Bolton fan, but he did have it right: what heals a broken heart is time, love, and tenderness, and I'm getting all of that. thanks, guys, and I love you, Erika.
I know it's been a while. For some reason, I haven't really had the motivation to flow. Lot going on, lot happened, etc etc. Gonna leave it at that for now. We'll touch on the rest eventually. Gradually. Whatever.
I wanna talk about the heart for a bit, cuz I inadvertently gave mine an involuntary jolt last week.
Erika and I have been together some time now, and it's because of her that I've been able to move forward the way I have. baby steps, but sometimes what you think is enough... isn't.
I'm new at this. Seriously, I mean like a newborn. It's been a looooong time since I've been in a new or even new-ish relationship. I'm also not the same person i was the last time I was here, so it's completely different. Bottom line, I fucked up.
I'm flirty. It's aprt of who I am. I guess I'm still learning where the lines and boundaries are, because I missed em. Crossed em. Same thing. Point is, I hurt Erika, something I promised I would never do. I've been feeling sick over it ever since, even though she says it's OK and we're moving forward. Still mad at myself for it.
The main reason is pretty simple: I'm crazy about Erika. Seriously. I've been pushing, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtle, to move in with me. I think it would be great for both of us. She hates her job and loves me, so there's two big pluses right there. I love having her there and I love coming home to her, and I love the way i feel when she's around. This brings me to point number two: moving forward.
It's been just over two years since Lucia's been gone. Anyone can tell you that it hit me hard. I've had a lot of difficulty dealing with the loss, and an even harder time letting go and moving on.
A few things have happened to sort of force me to do things. When the car was stolen, a bunch of things in the car that belonged to Lucia were lost. Things around the house have either disappeared or broken. I drove around with hefty bags full of her clothes for months, and when little Allie finished her first week of kindergarten, I knew I HAD to finally stop at Goodwill and drop the bags off. After I did that, I pulled to the side of the parking lot and had a half-hour meltdown. There's also a couple items of clothing still in the closet simply because it makes me feel sick to get rid of them.
I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and changing/taking down some of the pictures in the house is part of it. I drove around with Lucia's picture in the car for months after she was gone, and when Erika and I started spending more time together, i replaced that with a picture of Otis and Mackie.
Recently, Erika's smiling face took its place on my desk at work, and pictures of the two of us are now hanging in the kitchen and living room of the house. She has things in the shower.
Some things are never going away: memories, the tattoo on my arm. However, she told me that, were anything to happen to her, I should find a way to be happy and live my life. I'm doing that, thanks to Erika, my family, and my friends. I'm also looking for support groups to help with the problems I'm still having. In the meantime, I'm thankful for everyone in my life for helping me move and do what I have to in order to live my life. I'm not a big Michael Bolton fan, but he did have it right: what heals a broken heart is time, love, and tenderness, and I'm getting all of that. thanks, guys, and I love you, Erika.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
TIS THE SEASON
There's a reason all the family-and-friends-oriented holidays are at the end of the year. Say what you will about pagan festivals and whatnot, I believe there's something a little more basic than that at the root.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Tet, New Year's... it all happens within the same 6-week period. These are the biggest celebrations of the year (granted, Turkey Day is strictly American, but still...) and they all happen at the end of the year. The reason is just that: THE END OF THE YEAR. We use it as a reflection on ourselves, as a worldwide Reality Check. We look at things and say "Hey, we made it through another 12 months without killing ourselves or each other." Yes, we lose a lot during the year. People die, jobs are lost, money is spent, possessions are stolen, things and people are taken from us. It's unavoidable because it's part of life.
BUT.
Things are also GIVEN to us. Babies are born. Jobs are found. Money is earned and won. Possessions are bought or created. Objects are discovered or recovered. IT ALL BALANCES OUT. Maybe not right down the middle, 50/50, but it comes back eventually.
We think back on these things and reflect and bask in the memories of the good and the bad. We're human, so we want to do this with others. We want the comfort of those closest to us so we can share the mutual things we have both lost and gained. We want to mourn what we have lost and celebrate what we have gained, and we don't want to do it alone. We turn to our friends and family, those closest and most important to us. It's an interesting dichotomy how this time of year is simultaneously about the individual AND the group. We think about our family as a whole, but we also think about ourselves: the things we want for the upcoming year, the things we did and didn't do over the past year...
Sometimes, you NEED to think about yourself. Someone very close and dear to me once said "If you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be any good for anyone else." The irony is this is the one person who never did anything for themselves and only ever worried about everyone else.
Something to think about: what's yours is YOURS. I'm not talking about possessions or money or anything shallow or stupid like that. I'm talking about YOU. Your life, your soul, your spirit. Your life is something that is completely yours unless you choose to give it to someone or something else, but the best part is YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK IF YOU SO CHOOSE. We were given this amazing thing called Free Will that allows you to choose as you see fit, to make your own mistakes and choices. Love whomever you want. Spend time with whomever you want. Live your life as you see fit. This is the gift we have been given, and as Americans, we are fortunate enough to be able to do just that. Just because you have friends some of your other friends don't like doesn't mean you need to cut off anybody. Yes, it sucks you can't have all your people in one place sometimes, but you find a way to make time for each little circle.
I'm sad a lot of my friends don't get along anymore. It hurts to know that where we were once one big family, we're now broken down into smaller clusters. I don't understand it, I don't really understand how or why it happened, but it has. One group may not like another, or this person may have issue with that person, but there's always a bridge between. In this case, ME. Friends are important. Family is important, and in many cases, the two are one and the same. Occasionally, you have to fight for your family. You have to do the same with friends.
A lot has happened over the past year. I think about it now, as the holidays come close and as this year draws to a close. There has been loss, there has been gain, there has been change. It's life. It's what's supposed to happen. I started this year with no job, full of uncertainty, full of confusion and conflict both in my heart and my mind. I look towards the next year with a bit more confidence, a bit more clarity, and a bit more optimism. I have to. It's the only way to move forward and to grow. Think on these things. Free will.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Tet, New Year's... it all happens within the same 6-week period. These are the biggest celebrations of the year (granted, Turkey Day is strictly American, but still...) and they all happen at the end of the year. The reason is just that: THE END OF THE YEAR. We use it as a reflection on ourselves, as a worldwide Reality Check. We look at things and say "Hey, we made it through another 12 months without killing ourselves or each other." Yes, we lose a lot during the year. People die, jobs are lost, money is spent, possessions are stolen, things and people are taken from us. It's unavoidable because it's part of life.
BUT.
Things are also GIVEN to us. Babies are born. Jobs are found. Money is earned and won. Possessions are bought or created. Objects are discovered or recovered. IT ALL BALANCES OUT. Maybe not right down the middle, 50/50, but it comes back eventually.
We think back on these things and reflect and bask in the memories of the good and the bad. We're human, so we want to do this with others. We want the comfort of those closest to us so we can share the mutual things we have both lost and gained. We want to mourn what we have lost and celebrate what we have gained, and we don't want to do it alone. We turn to our friends and family, those closest and most important to us. It's an interesting dichotomy how this time of year is simultaneously about the individual AND the group. We think about our family as a whole, but we also think about ourselves: the things we want for the upcoming year, the things we did and didn't do over the past year...
Sometimes, you NEED to think about yourself. Someone very close and dear to me once said "If you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be any good for anyone else." The irony is this is the one person who never did anything for themselves and only ever worried about everyone else.
Something to think about: what's yours is YOURS. I'm not talking about possessions or money or anything shallow or stupid like that. I'm talking about YOU. Your life, your soul, your spirit. Your life is something that is completely yours unless you choose to give it to someone or something else, but the best part is YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK IF YOU SO CHOOSE. We were given this amazing thing called Free Will that allows you to choose as you see fit, to make your own mistakes and choices. Love whomever you want. Spend time with whomever you want. Live your life as you see fit. This is the gift we have been given, and as Americans, we are fortunate enough to be able to do just that. Just because you have friends some of your other friends don't like doesn't mean you need to cut off anybody. Yes, it sucks you can't have all your people in one place sometimes, but you find a way to make time for each little circle.
I'm sad a lot of my friends don't get along anymore. It hurts to know that where we were once one big family, we're now broken down into smaller clusters. I don't understand it, I don't really understand how or why it happened, but it has. One group may not like another, or this person may have issue with that person, but there's always a bridge between. In this case, ME. Friends are important. Family is important, and in many cases, the two are one and the same. Occasionally, you have to fight for your family. You have to do the same with friends.
A lot has happened over the past year. I think about it now, as the holidays come close and as this year draws to a close. There has been loss, there has been gain, there has been change. It's life. It's what's supposed to happen. I started this year with no job, full of uncertainty, full of confusion and conflict both in my heart and my mind. I look towards the next year with a bit more confidence, a bit more clarity, and a bit more optimism. I have to. It's the only way to move forward and to grow. Think on these things. Free will.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tidal
More than a year now, and I'm still experiencing firsts. That's a little tough to get used to.
From June 23, 2010 until June 23, 2011 life was full of unwelcome firsts. It was Continuing On, it was Starting Over, none of which I wanted. Birthdays, holidays, milestones, anniversaries... all without that Special Someone, that one person with whom I had shared every second, every aspect, every memory for seven glorious years. It continues to be so, and once again, I'm scared of what it will be like and what my reactions and responses will be.
Her birthday last year was hard, and this year was no better. July 4th, Labor Day, our Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, February 25 (the day I proposed), Mother's Day, my birthday, and One Year. Last year on our anniversary, I went to Foxwoods for the first time in God knows how long. It was the first time I had EVER been there alone. EVER. It was unnerving and scary. In February, I attended Coronation alone for the first time. That was rough, especially seeing such a close friend, wearing her wedding gown, so distraught and upset as he entered the ballroom. I knew exactly how he felt.
I'm approaching another one in a few days. This will be the first MonsterMania Convention I will be attending without her. I know it will be rough, I know it will be different, but I also know I'm ready. I haven't been to this hotel since March 2008, and she was sick the entire time. It was our honeymoon, and my mother, a very recent victim to a brain aneurysm, commanded us to go and have fun. Lucia was sick, she was having trouble breathing, and her leg was so swollen it was splitting the skin, but she was insistent on going. We brought her pump and her nebulizer, and she was so happy to hang out with Sid Haig and Brian O'Halloran and talk to the guys from Ghost Hunters. Terry Cruickshank, the artist who made our Zombie Bride And Groom dolls was there. The next Convention we went to was held in Cromwell, just a short ride from home, but it wasn't the same as Cherry Hill. And then... the world collapsed. Everything changed.
And now I find myself about to embark on another First. Our friends know. There are some returning guests, but they probably won't remember me, not without her. And that's OK. It's part of starting over, I guess. She was such a commanding presence, not somebody you just forget. If you met her once, you remembered. Robert Englund, who hadn't seen us since 2005 and had seen countless thousands of other between us, recognized us in Cromwell in 2009. He looked at us, smiled, and said "You better have brought those wedding pictures." This from a celebrity who hadn't seen or heard from us in 4 years and had met how many other people, remembered that conversation, and I have no doubt it was because of her.
I find it ironic that the same guys from Ghost Hunters will be there this time, that Lance Henirksen will once again be there, that Tony Todd will once again be there. It's a strange kind of homecoming, and I find myself wondering, since it has been so long since I have been there, how different things will be. Will it be a different set-up? Will it be a different atmosphere? How different will it be now that she's not there, in physical form, at least? I know her spirit will be there. She never leaves me. I can feel her constantly. I know she'll be there for the ride and the convention on Friday, and I can't wait to see how she makes her presence known. She left me a single white gerber at Kelly's wedding. What'll it be this time?
From June 23, 2010 until June 23, 2011 life was full of unwelcome firsts. It was Continuing On, it was Starting Over, none of which I wanted. Birthdays, holidays, milestones, anniversaries... all without that Special Someone, that one person with whom I had shared every second, every aspect, every memory for seven glorious years. It continues to be so, and once again, I'm scared of what it will be like and what my reactions and responses will be.
Her birthday last year was hard, and this year was no better. July 4th, Labor Day, our Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, February 25 (the day I proposed), Mother's Day, my birthday, and One Year. Last year on our anniversary, I went to Foxwoods for the first time in God knows how long. It was the first time I had EVER been there alone. EVER. It was unnerving and scary. In February, I attended Coronation alone for the first time. That was rough, especially seeing such a close friend, wearing her wedding gown, so distraught and upset as he entered the ballroom. I knew exactly how he felt.
I'm approaching another one in a few days. This will be the first MonsterMania Convention I will be attending without her. I know it will be rough, I know it will be different, but I also know I'm ready. I haven't been to this hotel since March 2008, and she was sick the entire time. It was our honeymoon, and my mother, a very recent victim to a brain aneurysm, commanded us to go and have fun. Lucia was sick, she was having trouble breathing, and her leg was so swollen it was splitting the skin, but she was insistent on going. We brought her pump and her nebulizer, and she was so happy to hang out with Sid Haig and Brian O'Halloran and talk to the guys from Ghost Hunters. Terry Cruickshank, the artist who made our Zombie Bride And Groom dolls was there. The next Convention we went to was held in Cromwell, just a short ride from home, but it wasn't the same as Cherry Hill. And then... the world collapsed. Everything changed.
And now I find myself about to embark on another First. Our friends know. There are some returning guests, but they probably won't remember me, not without her. And that's OK. It's part of starting over, I guess. She was such a commanding presence, not somebody you just forget. If you met her once, you remembered. Robert Englund, who hadn't seen us since 2005 and had seen countless thousands of other between us, recognized us in Cromwell in 2009. He looked at us, smiled, and said "You better have brought those wedding pictures." This from a celebrity who hadn't seen or heard from us in 4 years and had met how many other people, remembered that conversation, and I have no doubt it was because of her.
I find it ironic that the same guys from Ghost Hunters will be there this time, that Lance Henirksen will once again be there, that Tony Todd will once again be there. It's a strange kind of homecoming, and I find myself wondering, since it has been so long since I have been there, how different things will be. Will it be a different set-up? Will it be a different atmosphere? How different will it be now that she's not there, in physical form, at least? I know her spirit will be there. She never leaves me. I can feel her constantly. I know she'll be there for the ride and the convention on Friday, and I can't wait to see how she makes her presence known. She left me a single white gerber at Kelly's wedding. What'll it be this time?
Priority... Two?
We're always being told to prioritize. This needs to be done before this, something needs to happen before something else can happen, this person is more important than this person, blah blah blah you know the drill.
There's only one problem with prioritizing, and that's that someone or something has to be #2. There always has to be a Second Priority. And nobody wants to be #2.
Everyone wants to be first in line, first on the list, first come and first serve. It's insane. At work, your boss will come to you and say "I need you to do this, this, and this." So you start at the beginning, and eventually the boss will come back and say "Why are doing this, I need you to do this first." After this happens a few times, you get frustrated and blurt out, "In which order do you want these done?" and your boss will answer brilliantly, saying something like "I want them all done at the same time."
That's a general attitude. And sadly, a lot of us think that way, and it's interesting to see what happens when people prioritize differently from one another. I'll give you an example.
When I was fresh out of college, I knocked up the girl I was seeing. Originally, we had opted to keep the kid. I started working additional jobs and trying to squirrel away some money, and we decided to have a sit-down with both our families. Her father was career military and born into money. Both sides of the family were against our decision. Her father told me I didn't know how to make his daughter my priority, even though I was working more and saving more money. he said I wasn't making her the priority because I had wanted to keep the baby, and by doing so wasn't thinking about HER.
Hm. Interesting justification.
The thing about priority is compromise. Sacrifices have to be made, and you have to accept that maybe your shit is not as important as someone else's. It's even better when you have two people telling you that THEIR shit is more important than the other guy's, because then you get to tell them to duke it out amongst themselves, and THAT makes for good TV. :)
There's only one problem with prioritizing, and that's that someone or something has to be #2. There always has to be a Second Priority. And nobody wants to be #2.
Everyone wants to be first in line, first on the list, first come and first serve. It's insane. At work, your boss will come to you and say "I need you to do this, this, and this." So you start at the beginning, and eventually the boss will come back and say "Why are doing this, I need you to do this first." After this happens a few times, you get frustrated and blurt out, "In which order do you want these done?" and your boss will answer brilliantly, saying something like "I want them all done at the same time."
That's a general attitude. And sadly, a lot of us think that way, and it's interesting to see what happens when people prioritize differently from one another. I'll give you an example.
When I was fresh out of college, I knocked up the girl I was seeing. Originally, we had opted to keep the kid. I started working additional jobs and trying to squirrel away some money, and we decided to have a sit-down with both our families. Her father was career military and born into money. Both sides of the family were against our decision. Her father told me I didn't know how to make his daughter my priority, even though I was working more and saving more money. he said I wasn't making her the priority because I had wanted to keep the baby, and by doing so wasn't thinking about HER.
Hm. Interesting justification.
The thing about priority is compromise. Sacrifices have to be made, and you have to accept that maybe your shit is not as important as someone else's. It's even better when you have two people telling you that THEIR shit is more important than the other guy's, because then you get to tell them to duke it out amongst themselves, and THAT makes for good TV. :)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Yahrtzeit
There was a point I feared getting a "real" job that included conferences and business trips. There was a time I was scared to get a real acting job because I was afraid it would take me away from Her for days, weeks... We'd never been apart that long. Even when she had been sick in the past, I would come and see her every single day, stay as long as I could, and come back the next day until I could bring her home.
There was a time I was so scared the hospital would screw her up. They always managed to do something wrong or hurt her or make it worse, but I was always afraid that they'd screw up so badly they'd kill her.
Just about a year ago, my worst fear was realized.
Father's Day weekend last year, Lucia spoke her final words to me. She told me "I love you very very much," and I cling to that. I know how very lucky I am to have had that, because not everyone gets to say that before they go or hear it before someone is gone. I did.
I was lucky to have every single day I did with her. I used to thank her on a daily basis for her love and affection. I know how lucky I was, and it was my honor to be there.
I used to tell her "A day without your touch would be torture." It's been almost a year since I touched her hand, and almost 18 months since I held her in my arms. I wish I didn't have the memories of her screams and her tears and her pleading eyes, but I do. I'm haunted by them. But I need them, too, to remember the time we had together. Just the conversations, the love and devotion that lasted through the pain and the torture. I hated having to not only watch her be hurt, but to be made to participate in it, hoping and praying in vain that I was helping to make her better.
Six months of pointless pain and suffering. If she had come home I would feel differently about it, but she was torn from my arms, stolen from the lives of unknown hundreds who loved her. I don't understand why she was made to suffer the way she was. It pains me horribly that i cant remember the texture and softness of her skin or the taste of her lips. I can't believe we managed to make it through a year. The road ahead is long and dark, but I have a few tricks to make it a little less bumpy. Hopefully they'll work.
I love you baby. I miss you horribly every day. I still cry, I still scream, I still stumble and fall, but I'm learning to walk again. If you could do it, I can do it. You did so much for so many, and now you can rest and watch the fruits of your labors blossom and grow, without pain, without restrictions, without handicap. I feel your presence every day, and I hear your messages and signs. Rest easy, Lucia Anne. We'll never forget.
There was a time I was so scared the hospital would screw her up. They always managed to do something wrong or hurt her or make it worse, but I was always afraid that they'd screw up so badly they'd kill her.
Just about a year ago, my worst fear was realized.
Father's Day weekend last year, Lucia spoke her final words to me. She told me "I love you very very much," and I cling to that. I know how very lucky I am to have had that, because not everyone gets to say that before they go or hear it before someone is gone. I did.
I was lucky to have every single day I did with her. I used to thank her on a daily basis for her love and affection. I know how lucky I was, and it was my honor to be there.
I used to tell her "A day without your touch would be torture." It's been almost a year since I touched her hand, and almost 18 months since I held her in my arms. I wish I didn't have the memories of her screams and her tears and her pleading eyes, but I do. I'm haunted by them. But I need them, too, to remember the time we had together. Just the conversations, the love and devotion that lasted through the pain and the torture. I hated having to not only watch her be hurt, but to be made to participate in it, hoping and praying in vain that I was helping to make her better.
Six months of pointless pain and suffering. If she had come home I would feel differently about it, but she was torn from my arms, stolen from the lives of unknown hundreds who loved her. I don't understand why she was made to suffer the way she was. It pains me horribly that i cant remember the texture and softness of her skin or the taste of her lips. I can't believe we managed to make it through a year. The road ahead is long and dark, but I have a few tricks to make it a little less bumpy. Hopefully they'll work.
I love you baby. I miss you horribly every day. I still cry, I still scream, I still stumble and fall, but I'm learning to walk again. If you could do it, I can do it. You did so much for so many, and now you can rest and watch the fruits of your labors blossom and grow, without pain, without restrictions, without handicap. I feel your presence every day, and I hear your messages and signs. Rest easy, Lucia Anne. We'll never forget.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
35 Years And Counting...
One more week until I'm dead-smack center of my 30s. This is neither where or how I thought I'd be at this point in my life.
When we're young, we have so many hopes and dreams, fantastic dreams and sky-high hopes. As we get older, these dreams give way to more realistic hopes and smaller dreams. Winning an Oscar or being a famous movie star or writer give way to simply being able to live comfortably in your own home with your family.
I thought I'd be living the high-life in L.A. as a writer or filmmaker by now. It's possible that can still happen, though honestly I know it gets slimmer with every year. More recently, my dream was to live a comfortable life with my wife and our menagerie, secure in the home we had built together. Even that dream has fallen by the wayside.
I didn't think I would be a widower before I was 35. I didn't think I'd be restructuring my life and my lifestyle at this point. I didn't think I'd be by myself, not after nearly a decade of being part of not only a team, but a WINNING team. I wanted so much more for myself than this.
I've taken to thinking of the things I need rather than the things I want for my birthday. Apparently I need new tires. I'm gonna have to finish this later, I can barely think right now.
When we're young, we have so many hopes and dreams, fantastic dreams and sky-high hopes. As we get older, these dreams give way to more realistic hopes and smaller dreams. Winning an Oscar or being a famous movie star or writer give way to simply being able to live comfortably in your own home with your family.
I thought I'd be living the high-life in L.A. as a writer or filmmaker by now. It's possible that can still happen, though honestly I know it gets slimmer with every year. More recently, my dream was to live a comfortable life with my wife and our menagerie, secure in the home we had built together. Even that dream has fallen by the wayside.
I didn't think I would be a widower before I was 35. I didn't think I'd be restructuring my life and my lifestyle at this point. I didn't think I'd be by myself, not after nearly a decade of being part of not only a team, but a WINNING team. I wanted so much more for myself than this.
I've taken to thinking of the things I need rather than the things I want for my birthday. Apparently I need new tires. I'm gonna have to finish this later, I can barely think right now.
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